All the freshers are freaking out about their accommodation offers
They haven’t experienced the 699 yet
They’ve received their results, they’ve accepted their places. And now the pre-freshers of Liverpool are being sent their accommodation offers.
Freshers 1, accommodation office 0
This isn’t meant to happen. You aren’t meant to be happy about your accommodation. Cancel the offer. Wipe those cheeky emojis off his face. Send him to Rankin.
Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen
Welcome to the University of Liverpool, Nick. Get used to it. This university plays games and today that game is treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen. I bet you’re more excited to come now, aren’t you Nick? I bet you’re #buzzin4birds and #gettingonthelash.
Carnatic or cattery?
To be honest, we probably wouldn’t send our cats here either. Greenbank are still waiting for their scratching posts.
Fucking fuming already
She ain’t fucking kidding guys, she’s fucking angry. #fuming #angry #furious #getthisgirlaglassofwater #shesnotacat
The Carnatic brothel
Welcome to the new student experience: The Lady Mountford Brothel. Please bring your own rubbers. Or is it more of a recreational humping hotel?
Beautiful halls with no walls
You should bring tents, stoves and sleeping bags to welcome week. All will be explained in your welcome talk.
P.S. You’re still paying full price.
Ah, this one got the Greenbank memo early. Liverpool accommodation office don’t normally do early –– there’s a reason 100 freshers were stuck in temporary accommodation for over two months last year.
Sounds fun, if you ask me
Yep. It’s true. 100 per cent. This happens. All the time. 24/7. It’s not even just nights out. It’s whenever you get the bus. Hello ECON123 lecture on a Tuesday morning, complete with two litres of chardonnay to down. You are never not drunk at the University of Liverpool. Fact.
Free exercise facilities
That’s one hour 10 minutes of exercise you wouldn’t have if you’d got Crown Place, Olivia. Let’s fight that fresher’s fat. No need for a gym membership when you can walk from Wavertree to Campus. Or you could just get the bus.
Jesus, that’s not the way to make friends. She thinks she’s got it all now, but come November, she’ll be longing for shared bathrooms, naked runs to the shower and the powerful friendships carved out in Carnatic, thanks to hearing your neighbour reach orgasm and weeing on other people’s vomit.
Small beds mean better sex
But wouldn’t you rather share a smaller-than-single-size bed? True love blossoms when you sleep squashed between his armpit and the wall, on a mattress the size of the Jack/Rose Titanic slab of wood. Bonus points if his armpit hair is tickling your nostrils.
“I’ll never let go, Jack, I promise.” No, you won’t, thanks to the chronic back pain and cramps caused by the awkward position you both end up sleeping in. At least it’s character building. And warm.
Attitude, young lady
We don’t even want you any more with that attitude.
It’s basically the same…
That’s the same. Stop complaining. You still get a bed and a loo plus now someone is making your food for you. What more do you want? A jacuzzi?
Finally, a solid young man
That’s the attitude. Your mother would be proud. Well done Tom. You get our vote as best pre-fresher 2015.