You listen to house to escape how dull your life is

What’s a bandwagon?

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You’ve learnt a lot since you started uni. Floors won’t hoover themselves, no one is too old to wet the bed, and most importantly, house music is the one.

A man travels from a quiet life in the home counties to the bustling university city. He is a fairly bland individual, without any edge or personality. For these sorts, coming to Liverpool is the chance for reinvention. If you think yourself such an individual, then there is only one thing you should consider getting into: house music. Just tell yourself you’re not jumping onto the bandwagon.

It’ll be your weekend saviour from the regular dross of uni, and the fact you now have to be realistic about life. Au Seve is the gateway, MK the barbed hook and Dusky the addiction.  ‘A’ used to stand for Abercrombie – now it’s all about Adidas (originals, obviously).

Party like its 1992

Party like it’s 1992

At first, house nights are spoken of like exclusive, top secret events, only for those already initiated into the subculture – until you stop dressing like a Fresher. Once you realise how easy it is to don a bucket hat, buy white powder from a man with a bumbag, and pretend to know who’s DJing (you don’t even need to remember any lyrics), your life will change forever. No one will ever be able to call you boring, or say you lack style.

House music was invented by disaffected young DJs in North American industrial cities. It is now listened to by guys wearing expensive clothes in British university towns, and will be the unique selling point of your new identity. People we see you in the street, they will pass comment on your top knot and printed shirt, only to then spend the rest of the day wishing they could be you.

The repetitive nature of house only increases its appeal. Charts huggers will find it boring, they will say it’s basically one guy playing the same thing over and over. You can then point out they listen to Megan Trainor, and laugh in the face of their inferior music taste.

House is love, house is life.

House is love, house is life

Haters will call your new persona contrived, an attempt to latch on to the current trend in alternative culture. It’s less about music, and more about the lifestyle. After all, it’s more acceptable to be on MD in Camp and Furnace, than at the Echo Arena watching the Arctic Monkeys. Some will also point out you’re a pretentious knob, only pretending to like it because you can come across as alternative, as part of a grimier, less comfortably middle class subculture.  You don’t care for the art, you’re just there to pose.

But ignore them, house is clearly a winner. It means you can pretend you’re living an alternative lifestyle and you’re sticking two fingers to the man. Yet secretly you know what you’re doing is just a stop gap moment of rebellion, before getting a job mummy and daddy approve of.

It’s the perfect way to live in denial, before realising you prefer Walking in the Air to Walking with Elephants.  At some point you’re going to have to accept your future career, wallowing in the lower levels of the finance industry. In the meantime, house is a phenomenal distraction from the reality of life.

#Bignightout

#Bignightout

Next time you’re buying tickets for Chibuku or Abandon Silence, enjoy your night telling everyone you meet what you’re on, and asking strangers for “tiny” sips of their water. Take it in while you can – house isn’t just a type of music. House is a home.

The Tab Liverpool

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