Put your shoes on in the library, this isn’t a yoga retreat
You are not a hobbit
Summer is approaching, the seagulls are circling, and temperatures have hit highs of 13 degrees. But the library is for learning – this isn’t a yoga retreat.
The central heating is still on and there are a lot of sweaty bodies in a small space, so it’s really easy to mistake the Abercromby Wing for a beach in the Caribbean. But rather than this leading to a rise in fun swimming cap accessories and people napping on towels, year after year people decide to get nudist with their feet. No one asked for this. No one deserves this. Whatever your mum told you, your feet are ugly and they should go away.
Luckily, shoes are great, like little houses for your feet. Sandals, too, are okay if it gets hot: they are the gazebos of the shoe real-estate world. Celebrate them, keep them on. Let your feet feel good about themselves, they are Naomi Campbell’s feet. Anna Wintour wants your feet on the cover of Vogue. Your feet want to feel stylish, and not naked.
Yes, the aquamarine colour-scheme of the library does look a lot like a public pool, but sadly it is not. And yes, the soggy puddle around the water fountain is a lot like the amazing fresh water spring you found yourself at last year in Cambodia, but it isn’t. Unfortunately for you, there are lots of stressed people who want to read and eat Cheesestrings in silence, but the rise in visible toe hair on campus is making them upset.
Verrucas are a real problem, spending a couple of hours resisting the urge to strip off is not. There’s an old saying that goes: no one ever got a first with no shoes on. Even socked, it is quite likely you’ve become accustomed to your own aroma and actually, you are very smelly.
Shoes are not supposed to be uncomfortable. They are there for your own protection. If you do find them especially painful, Clarks still have those cool foot-measuring things, so you can pop down for a fun day out and get a sensible pair. Vybz Kartel approves.
Even if they do happen to smell like the rosiest rose bush in all the land, the level of comfort you are experiencing is unnerving. There is a social contract which should be observed in the library: everyone pretends to be normal. Mental breakdowns do happen, but must be reserved for ripping loo roll holders off walls and crying to your mum on the staircase – not throwing away your footwear.
Being shoeless is a physical and cheesy form of oversharing, and no one wants to know. Immanuel Kant is looking at you when you walk past his section, and he is disgusted. Having your feet exposed to people under a lot of stress is putting your toes at risk. Someone might just snap and you will be left stumpy and sad.
Also check: Grippy Bowling Shoes To Buy.