How to spot a JMU student

The JMU student: lingering on the edges of Level dance floor and hogging the booths at the Brookhouse, they have become a danger to us all.

Since mixing with JMU students might end in dull conversation, confused fear, disease or worse – death by intellectual boredom – we have come up with a guide to prevent such a humanitarian disaster happening to the unknowing Uni of student – a guide of how to spot a JMU student in the wilderness of Liverpool.

Migration Patterns

JMU students are often spotted roaming Brownlow Hill in large packs due to their limited ability to function with independent thought. Tied together like intrepid Everest adventurers, the smartest of the lot (probably studying something-studies) can be found holding a map of Liverpool, attempting to navigate his group to the next lecture, which is inevitably 72 miles away in Leeds, given JMU’s preference for rogue building placement.

Appearance

There are two types of JMU students you need to be aware of: the velcro pack and the more dangerous and venomous fashion pack.

Given JMU’s “growing reputation” as a fashion education hot-spot, it’s likely a wild JMU fashionpack student will be dressed in attire more commonly seen on the likes of the Zoolander cast. Think fur gilets, strange Beatles-inspired flares, and red lipstick (or is it Crayola?).

Often encountered running from their “award-winning John Lennon Art and Design Building”, the fashion pack breed may easily distract you with their bright primary colours and bold patterns.

Don’t be fooled – these students work in an award-winning building: they’re armed with easels, pinking shears and superior knowledge of Nicki Minaj’s hair colour history. We suggest an encounter be cut as short as possible by throwing a copy of Vogue (one with lots of pretty pictures) in the opposite direction and legging it.

Oh you wull, wull you?,

The other breed of JMU – the velcro pack – are more likely to be found in seminars, playing with Lego. They’re recognisable by light-up velcro trainers (lace-ups are hard, guys) and jolly snapbacks which they struggle to put on the correct way (also hard). The velcro pack are harmless, even friendly, but don’t get too close or you’ll be sucked into their world of Toys’R’Us and play dough.

Breeding Habits

Lots of room for activities

It’s hard to distinguish between a JMU and a Uni of student in the darkness of Juicy. To prevent waking up in Grand Central and doing the ultimate walk of shame, make sure you spot them early.

JMU students will be absolutely smashed, playing with straws and attempting to imitate a walrus: they’ll have been in the club since 9pm (they don’t have much work to do). They’re probably also drinking WKDs or “slushy” cocktails.

Drunken Walrus – Send help

If approached, aggressively shout some GCSE maths equations: it’ll act as a verbal smoke screen for you to slip away into the darkness as they contemplate double figures.

We advise you not to approach Grand Central too closely – the primal breeding calls of the male JMU student can appeal to inner carnal lust, but once trapped in a room decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars and snuggled under novelty bed sheets, your rational intellect will fill you with instant regret.

Studying Habits

Do JMU students study? It’s a question asked by experts for years. Certainly they have exams so some revision must happen, but it’s questionable whether this involves actual books. Rumour has it their “library” is filled with DVDs, bean bags and the back catalogue of Dora the Explorer magazine. If a student appears at a loss when presented with a book, we’d advise to back off and leave them be – they’re probably JMU.