Going to Crufts on acid was the weirdest experience of my life
Fur has never felt so good
Over 160,000 people flock to Birmingham’s NEC for Crufts every year to look at a load of dogs. We decided to spice things up a little bit by going on acid.
We took 200ug of acid at around 10:20, and were questioning the fibres of life an hour later.
It was in the arena that things got intense. Thank god we were sitting down, because this acid hit us like a ton of Lucy’s fucking diamonds. We had completely lost all awareness of the people – and children – sitting around us, and the lights on the curtain at the back of the arena became flat and started to swirl.
We watched the Agility Championships, trying to focus our eyes on the dogs running around to distract us from the absolute havoc wreaking in our stomachs. We still managed to laugh at their cute random barks though.
As our perception of depth became non-existent, we lost sight of how close (or far?) we were from the stage, and the dogs below started to grow and shrink in size depending on where I looked. It was a truly a whole new way to look at our furry friends.
The sensible, middle-aged dog woman and the tripping 18 year old inside me were fighting. The 18 year old was winning.
I thought I was going to vomit, but getting to the nearest toilet was very hard to do when trying to get accustomed to the garish space under the arena where the floor was breathing. Imagine the contrast between red and purple, then apply that burst of contrast to every colour in the spectrum, and then to your surroundings. Yeah, it was not an enjoyable place to be thrown into.
Luckily, I didn’t throw up, but the geometric shapes began rotating in full psychedelic swing in the cubicle. I was trying very hard to act very casual as I looked in the mirror, despite the fact my skin was so yellow and pupils so dilated I was basically Lisa Simpson in the episode when they go to Japan and watch those robots on TV.
During the Southern Golden Retriever Display Team, 80’s smash hit The Final Countdown started playing. A wash of confusion came over us, before we broke into absolute hysterics. The Final Countdown? Really? I had never been so simultaneously bewildered and amazed at the same time.
This was all so English. Those people probably love Waitrose. The acid did make this display much more interesting.
Tripping had made us very aware of the fact the dogs we were watching had no idea what they were doing, and that middle class people will clap at everything. We also realised that basically the most advanced species on earth had paid money to watch dogs doing things they usually do, like walking, but since we were in arena we clapped instead of ignoring them.
We then ventured out into the other areas of the NEC in search of some canine contact because, honestly, I just really wanted to stroke some fucking dogs. Walking down dark, narrow stairways was near impossible when everything looked 2D and flat as hell.
This is when shit got real. There were people everywhere and I have no idea how we managed to navigate the never ending venue while tripping our absolute nuts. We had no maps, distorted vision and no idea where we were going.
Everything looked very dirty. People’s faces were pulsing as we walked past, and everyone looked ugly. There were definitely too many people and not enough dogs.
While stroking an Afghan hound we pondered a question with one of life’s most sought after answers: has anyone asked Snoop Dogg what his stance on dogs is?
It was difficult to choose dogs to cuddle because we really, really didn’t want to speak to any people, but eventually we bit the bullet and got up close and personal. I was sure I had known this one dog for its whole life after 20 seconds of contact. I hope we changed the dogs’ lives as much as they changed ours.
Although we did have a great day, and did somehow manage to interact with dogs and a few lucky people, it was a thoroughly overwhelming experience – especially since the trip was much heavier than expected which threw us off. I would definitely go again next year, probably sober though.
Don’t do drugs with dogs. Or maybe just take a smaller dose…