How to get out of your overdraft
Because Smart Price shopping just isn’t working
We all have our pathetic excuses for our financial woes: obsessive partying, obscene online shopping sprees, visits to other unis (so more partying) or simply just an inability to budget – all with the poor justification of being a student.
The art of budgeting itself is a difficult challenge to master, especially with the absence of Mummy and Daddy being in control of your finances, and living in the university bubble full of temptation to spend.
Some of us think applying for an overdraft is a good way of dealing with this. Then we soon find ourselves a grand into our “safety net” and in pretty deep shit.
Play a high stakes game of Poker
You may get lucky, or not. But hey, worth a try? Be it poker, slots online blackjack, roulette, or betting on the winner of the most recent series of Celebrity Big Brother, the stakes may be high, but the jackpot even higher. For those who want to gamble like a real American, there is always the illinois gambling guide at Bestuscasinos.org. Worst comes to worst, banks often write off gambling debt for those who are really shit, so to be honest, no harm can be done if you proclaim to have a gambling addiction when you just have a crap poker face. And if you’re actually decent, your overdraft will become a distant memory.
Apply for a TV game show/reality show
Perfect for anyone who has enough self respect, but doesn’t mind embarrassing themselves on live TV. If you’re outgoing and attention seeking try Big Brother, but if you’re more introverted and have a specialist knowledge of soil in the Jurassic era, try your luck at Pointless and see if you can find that all important pointless answer to all your financial woes.
Don’t buy impulsively
It’s a dangerous downward spiral – one very hard to get out of once you’re in too deep. Soon enough you’ll find yourself knee deep into your overdraft with so much pointless shit to show for it, diffusers being a case in point. Top tip: hit up car boot sales to sell off all the crap and make it out of your overdraft.
Become a drug mule
Although it is illegal and incredibly dangerous, the job is very well paid. You may even get a Netflix series written about your travels if you’re lucky. If Alex Vause is your hero and you really study your journey and the people you may encounter, there won’t be any issues. After one trip, you can wave goodbye to your overdraft – or perhaps your family if you’re caught.
Remember that instrument you used to play at a painfully average level when you were younger? Well now’s the time to rock it out and perform in front of the general public for some wonga. In my experience violins, accordions and tin whistles go down incredibly well on shoppers on busy hug streets.
A low point. Never forget to wear suitable clothing when begging, it can get very cold. This idea works best if you have a huge bank of sob stories at your disposal and seemingly unmanageable facial hair.
Sell grass as weed
Grass is everywhere and you’ll be sure to find some stupidly naive freshers who will buy a 10 bag of this shit. If this works out very well and you don’t have a mob of angry freshers chasing you to and from uni, then move onto harder stuff and bag up sugar and pass it off as MDMA.
Join the circus
Be it as a lion-tamer or a clown, joining the circus would be an exciting part time job that would look excellent on a graduate CV. It would make great conversation in an interview and would definitely fund your partying habits.
To be honest you should do this even if you have money.
Just don’t go out
The ULTIMATE last resort. You can try. Oh how you can try.