A guide for boys on how to wear girls’ knickers
You’re dying to know
It’s easy for boys – they just pull on some boxers with some sort of brand name printed on the waistband, and off they go into the world. But for girls the choice of knickers creates a humongous problem every morning – thong, Brazilian, high briefs, or boy shorts?
The choice is limitless and the consequences of the wrong knickers are perilous. Choosing knickers is a minefield of wedgies, camels toes and visible panty lines (everything female is so bloody complicated).
But boys, have you ever glanced enviously at your girlfriend’s overspilling knicker draw? Or jealously stalked the aisles of the female lingerie section at Debenhams? Perhaps you’ve even tried on a lover’s briefs when the room was empty.
In short: every boy wants to know what wearing girls knickers is like.
Innocent fresher George has tasted the delights of the female knicker decision by trying on multiple styles and discussing their pros and cons. He found it liberating: “Finally I can wear women’s underwear and not be judged.”
Just like the wax, Brazilians give you coverage at the front (to hide your willy) but are nice and high cut at the back to show that hairy booty. Plus, they have an awful lot of lace.
They hold the comfort of granny pants but with the allure of french knickers – seemingly perfect, no? Just watch out for the The Climb as they creep up your buttocks during the day, squeezing your genitals gently as you walk, wincing, down the street. Miley Cyrus found it so painful she wrote a song about it.
George said: “More balls than ever before. This is almost impossible. Not very stretchy. I like the little bow though and the lace.”
The Thong/ G-String
The great divider (of opinions and bum-cheeks). Comfortable or spilt-bottom pain inducing? Sexy or tacky? Ann Summers or Agent Provocateur? Every girl has an opinion on the thong. These knickers work best on smooth bottomed boys with fabulous definition and a lack of nerve endings near their bums.
The coverage is minimal but if you’re looking for an opportunity to flash the testis then thongs are your thing, boys – just remember to not unwedgie in public.
George said: “I’ve actually been looking forward to this. Ow a bit of ball is sticking out. Ugh this is so weird. Less pubes than I thought though. (He starts doing squats). I feel like it’s entered me permanently.”
The Full Brief
Comfort, security and softness: the mother of all knickers. Sold in bulk at M&S in the colours of mauve, lilac and peach, full briefs will keep everything you possess down there, however big it is, tucked away and secured by industrial strength elastic.
One day, the elastic will crumple and sagginess will ensue, but you’ll keep wearing your favourite granny pants because they offer you the comfort that no one else will during your man periods. Be prepared for strange definition of your parts and smugness that your lover feels physically sickened when you wear them – but behold: the goddess of the knicker world.
George said: “Not happy. Really not happy. I like the coverage though – I appreciate coverage. But you can see penis. You can literally see penis.”
The Bikini Brief
Potentially the dullest of the knicker family, the bikini brief works as the everyday pant. Scant enough that unexpected sexual liaisons won’t be delayed by disappointment or disgust (looking at you, novelty Spongebob knickers), but substantial enough to cover the majority of your booty. These knickers are a boy’s best friend.
As a bonus, the slight undercroft sag that always happens by the third wash will mean more room for tucking your willy away and keeping it warm. Practical but often pretty, the bikini knickers are the ideal starter pack for the man who wants to start exploring more exciting underwear opportunities.
George said: “I feel violated by them. (A few minutes of stretching and walking around.) Actually when you get going they’re quite comfy. Not even that bad.”
The Boy Shorts
Boys, you’ll feel right at home in these – a smaller version of what you’re used to. The knickers from the world of PE teachers, surfer girls who think they’re edgy and Physiotherapy students, they’ll give you a beautiful camel toe and a lot of support. Don’t be a bore, boys, try something a bit more flirtatious because you aren’t going to lure any girls with these stripy bloomers.
George said: “Just brilliant. I’m so happy: elated. They feel like mine.” (He’s a bore).
The Novelty Knicker
There’s no photo for the novelty knicker, because the only people who own them are weirdos and people who need to grow up (and George wouldn’t have fitted into them).
Having The Simpsons or Spongebob strapped to your genitals is neither sexy nor cute, so just don’t go there boys. They belong in the realms of Japanese porn shops and they won’t look good with a bulge, whatever you try.
Just leave them in a bin, far far away, on fire.