The importance of peeing in pairs
It’s the best part of a night out
Having a drunken wee with your best girls is more than a tactful move to save time in that horrendous queue. It’s also more than just something you do to relieve yourself after the alcohol has taken its toll on your tiny bladder.
The journey to the club toilets is a dangerous and important quest for women. The loo-going group becomes something The Fellowship of the Ring made new – the tallest leading the pack through forests of giant drunk people, sometimes Gollum tags along.
It serves as an important and magical experience for girls. It is essential to support your friends as they journey through the sweaty twilight of shit clubs, house parties, and beer, to the shining porcelain haven.
You should never go alone: cubicle sharing is a fundamental bonding experience. You’re out with your mates, you’re pissed off with some guy and your cat is being bitchy to you, and the only place to let it all out is after a few vodkas in the toilets.
But it’s not an easy task to reach the safe haven. You must navigate the toilet attendant/gate-keeper, often appeasing her with gold in exchange for a magical item (deodorant, because you smell), or making mates with her as she assists you in hair-drying one of the party’s wet knees. Inside, there is safety in numbers and the security of having your mate lean on the door is invaluable, because in all likelihood there won’t be a lock.
Going through those doors seems to give everyone a sense of worldly wisdom, something happens and you are able to slur out profound philosophical truths to girls you may have never even met, but feel as though they will be friends for life. They’ll probably be your first child’s godmother, you’ll probably start a knitting club. If world leaders could get pissed and go to the loos together humanity might make it back into the Garden of Eden.
The healing properties of bathroom trips should never be underestimated. Frequently, the cubicle will turn into an episode of Trisha, as hearts are laid bare and cuddles are given. In times of peril, the loo-going tradition extends to the library. The support network centred around lavatories might sound gross to the uninitiated, but nothing says pals like a duo dance off/shower to the soundtrack of “these hoes ain’t loyal”.
Unfortunately, some people do not agree with this way of life. Being kicked out of a bar by a bouncer because they have a policy on people not going in together on suspicion of snorting coke, is saddening. Usually we just want a bit of moral support as we grapple with the loo roll.
Toilets are the beacon of human prowess and civilisation, and we should be celebrate them for the peace they bring.
No one should wee alone.