How to bag the dingiest crib in Liverpool

If you haven’t got hold of a house yet – don’t panic

drug dealer kensington liverpool smithdown student house university of liverpool

It’s that time of year again when everyone’s on the house-hunting patrol, some with a little more urgency than others.

Most of your mates have probably already succumbed to the pressure and snapped up a crib – they just wanted something secured and in doing so have scared everyone else into doing the same.

Inevitably, you become a victim of this unnecessary pressure and start to panic, as while these people are formulating cleaning rotas a year in advance, you’re still undecided on who you’re even going to live with.

If you still haven’t signed any dotted lines or paid any suspiciously-large deposits, panic no more. You’re sure to find the perfect Smithdown crack-den to suit your needs as long as you follow this oh-so-simple advice.

Landing yourself a house is very satisfying

Strangers are better than friends

Why would you want to live with your friends from halls when you could live with a group of complete strangers? Widening your friendship group is essential, so why not stretch them that little bit further onto the actual streets?

That guy who offers you drugs every Monday night is probably incredibly reasonable when it comes to settling the electricity bill, and everyone deserves a chance.

But if this is a bit risqué for you, simply opt for the “weirdo on the floor” solution. Ask that one person on your floor who nobody’s really sure about to live with you, and chances are you’re his first offer: kerching.

50/50 odds of serial killer versus a good mate are exceptionally good – it’s clearly a risk worth taking.

Don’t do house viewings – they’re a waste of time

There’s no need to move from your comfy bed

Visiting prospective houses is a chore, especially if it’s going to take more than 10 minutes to travel there. You have better things to do, like finish Orange is the New Black on Netflix.

The photos on the website will definitely suffice in making your decision. They are always really current and realistic. It’s only the next year of your life, after all.

Act fast – as fast as is humanly possible

Snap up the first house you visit as there’ll definitely be nothing better out there in the 500 other student houses in Liverpool. Thinking things through is for losers who make sensible decisions. Whoever aspired to be sensible?

Choose your house for the right reasons

Big rooms are the only thing that matters

Make a decision based on the size of the house’s rooms, not the size of its bills. It might be expensive but at least you’ll have some insane house parties. And don’t worry about heating it. Those huge windows won’t be drafty at all, honest.

Its location in relation to the Brookhouse is also a major contributing factor – you need to be a stumble away from home at all times.

Don’t bother reading the contract

The best place to keep your contract

If you don’t have time to visit the house, you definitely don’t have time to read the contract. It’s four pages long. Seriously.

Landlords probably do that on purpose but you don’t care because it’s worked on you and you still have no desire to read it.

Make sure you know as little as possible about your landlord

It heightens the suspense of the following year. Is he going to be a dick, a crook or have you got lucky and found yourself a charmer? Or is he too charming and you can never get rid of him? All will be revealed on moving day.

It’s going to be an exciting year.

Sign for a house when less than half of your housemates are there

You know they’d settle for the same one, just look at the size of the living room. And if they don’t, well they’ll get over it – you can make new friends. As long as you like it, that’s all that really matters.