The Tab tries: 3nder

Because everyone’s fantasy is to have a threesome

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Downloading a group sex app is always going to be a little uncomfortable.

Your index finger hovers as though this were a juvenile encounter with internet porn – the pre-laptop, parents-are-downstairs kind of encounter. Press the button and be dropped into something you find undoubtedly intriguing but still has you reaching for the metaphorical soap dish.

Sorry to puncture your blissful ignorance, but I’m talking about 3nder – the latest offering in the flourishing quickie set-up app industry that gave us Tinder and Grindr. The gimmick this time, instead of a carrot of potential love dangled whimsically on a stick (Tinder), or just lots and lots of sticks (Grindr, at least they were honest about it…Sydney Jones loos anyone?), is threesomes.

The merchandise.

Everything about the app screams “dirty little secret”. “Login discreetly through Facebook” pleads a button on the login page, surrounded by adverts ranging from the tame “meet couples and singles with mutual desires and interests” to the more sinister “go incognito and hide from friends and family” (a paid extra that prevents any friends on Facebook from finding your profile).

My Pseudonym, the fun-loving psychopath himself.

Once you’ve given them your particulars, and specified an age and distance range (I recommend 18 to 70-years-old and 50 miles away if you want to see enough couples), you are released onto the unadulterated “strip” of 3nder.

Trying our luck.

 

The first beauty I see is a lush 31-year-old lesbian called…Liam. Oh dear, 3nder’s first hitch, an instant swipe down.

Liam the lush Lesbian

A few swipes down later and I find something promising. A mid-twenties female couple called Karma and Cleo, with only one desire listed as “Singleman”. For the love of journalism, that’s an instant swipe up.  I spend my next few days swiping up and down with the enthusiasm to match a Calpolled seven-year-old, browsing the Argos catalogue’s toy section (although this time swiping down on the action men).

Does this seem too good to be true?

Did it work? Take a guess. Like everywhere else on the internet promising sex, 3nder is a sausage fest. The most common users are couples made up of one straight male and one bisexual female looking for another woman.

And let’s face it, not many attractive young woman are going to be drawn in by 3nder and its oil slick of sleaze. For example, you’ll be going about your swiping business when a couple, the age of your parents, crop up desiring anal, bdsm and foursomes. Maybe I’m being a prude but it still feels weird (I swiped up obviously).

Over my two week honeymoon period with the app I dropped the founder (oh master of trysts) Dimo Trifonov a few questions. According to the statistics there have been over 55,000 matches with the app, which makes you feel both hopeful and inadequate. I also asked him if he was a user of his own app. He said: “I am using it. 🙂 I have around 10 matches but no meet ups, I have no time.” Does he know how many actual threesomes have been organised? “Good question. No answer” he replied. Go figure.

Who are these lucky lot who found success? Do they even exist? I’m not convinced.

If you’re not a single, bisexual female, this app is a waste of time.

3nder’s finest

Among the ideal 20-something super couple and the sausage fest, I found these “striking” individuals.

The Babymaker

Not the most tasteful of profile photos here, followed by the rather blunt description “want fun”. “I think you’ve already had enough fun mate” would have been my reply if I had the courage to swipe up. My only question (of a few) is whose kid is this? Now don’t get me wrong, the gift of life is a beautiful thing but If your profile pic’s an ultrasound and you’re on a threesome app, people are going to talk.

The man with the squid

I don’t even know where to go with this one. It’s a man holding a squid, wearing a questionable hat and grimacing like he’s just found out what a Prince Albert is (Google it.) What’s worse is it’s his only photo to look at. At least Pail and Bibbie had a series of ultrasound photos to browse. Keith here just looks lonely, and not the attractive kind.

The Circle of Life

Under the pseudonyms of “Looking” and “Looking2” we are left to assume the workings of this couple. Their only photo features a rather big cat to the left and rather square-faced man to the right. I don’t really want to know the ins and outs of this relationship but I know I don’t want any part of this man’s pride.

Game of Thrones is pretty good…

Despite the fact I think whoever wrote this profile is a comedic genius, I can’t help but be perturbed. Even if this is a joke profile, the names alone are enough to cause an uproar in your grandma’s knitting circle.

The description reads as follows: “Cottaging, dogging, Game of Thrones is pretty good, winter isn’t the only thing that’s cumming.” Enough said.