And now for the weather…

Liverpool is bloody boiling at the moment.

You’ll have, no doubt, enjoyed the sweaty experience of moving your personal affects up and down unending flights of stairs as you settled into your rooms over the weekend.

Here’s hoping your parents bought you industrial strength washing powder, plenty of deodorant and spare underwear. The sweating is set to continue throughout the week – an exciting prospect for you freshers and truly repulsive for the rest of us.

The humidity will melt your face… in front of your face.

Expect muggy temperatures with humidity levels peaking at irksome, as the Merseyside area clings desperately to the last vestiges of summer while the sun hides its naked, bronzed shame with some saucy cloud cover.

Don’t be fooled into wearing a coat and jumper if you glance outside at greying skies; that’s just how the North looks.

It is a last chance for the perma tanned and uber trim among you to give your narcissism a last hurrah before wrapping up warm for winter, whilst those cursed with summer flab and a fear of skin cancer grimly ride it out.

Another beautiful day on the Costa del Scouse.

Towards the middle of the week it will remain grey whilst temperatures, perplexingly, hover above 15˚C.

But expect intermittent showers which will, at least, purge the odour and grime that’s built up around your person by this point.

Please bear in mind, however, that while the rain can wash away the scents of sweat, shame and stale rum, it can’t do chlamydia. Please be sure to use precautionary measures as we approach ‘the wet season’, with an amber warning in place for parts of Lady Mountford Hall.

Don’t forget your raincoats, kids

Towards the weekend the weather will become less important, especially after Freshers Ball. You shouldn’t venture outside your room until next Tuesday anyway (don’t worry, they don’t teach you anything worthwhile on Monday) but it will remain warm with the odd scattering of rain.

Wind speeds will be low, if you’re remotely interested.

Word on the street has it that everyone in this picture is actually very interested in wind speed.

Please be aware that weather is a continuous and powerful force subject to the whims and violent mood swings of whichever deity you subscribe to.

The Tab Liverpool is in no way responsible for the weather or its changes. If in doubt, feel free to consult the Met Office, BBC or your nearest witch doctor.