The definitive list of people revising for exams

We all lose a sense of who we really are at this stressful time. Here are all the people we become.

The Revision-Shamer

They’ve been on the ball this term. While you struggle to figure out which lectures you attended, they have all the topics categorised by the date of the exam, the weighting of the mark and by personal preference. Now they’re on track with their progress, they feel the need to flaunt their preparation in everybody else’s face.

As their weary housemate approaches the kitchen at 12pm, ready to resume the cycle of coffee and cramming, they happily boast about how they’ve “been up since nine, bossed two topics and have managed to fit in a quick gym sesh.” Don’t you love them?

The Procrastinator

They spend more time moaning about the amount they have to revise than actually doing so. They adopt any  hobby to avoid the library or revision – suddenly, it seems like an appropriate time for them to borrow your Breaking Bad boxset.

On the bright side, if you live with a procrastinator, their cooking has never been better – eating a luxurious brunch of eggs benedict every morning and preparing a tempting tray of coffee and biscuits for everyone in the house with the hope that they too will have reached procras-nirvana – an unreturnable and defeated state of mind.

The Peacock

These ones like a show, since their GCSEs they discovered that – in some shallow form of magic – the prettier your stationery is, and the more colourful your bullet points and flash cards are, the better your results.

The staff at Paperchase welcome them with open arms, and their friends look enviously at your alphabetised notepad of “handy quotes” copied out in skillful calligraphy. And while they’ve spent their weekly food-budget on beautiful revision ephemerae, and plastering their walls with pastel notecars,  they will eventually be brought to the harsh reality that gel pens really can’t pass your exams for you. Pity.

The “Blagger”

“I’ve just been sleeping and going to the pub” – yeah, in an alternate universe where most students aren’t also chained to their desks for a month, arduously copying out PowerPoints from lectures a blagger now wishes they’d attended.

No matter how much somebody boasts about how little they’ve been working, they’re bullshitting or secretly freaking out about the lack of work they have done while putting on a cocky bravado. In their final moments, a Blagger will pray that they have photographic memory or have mastered the art of writing intellectual nonsense.

The Crammer

 Maybe they were prioritising their other exams, maybe they had a family crisis or were in Dubai over Easter, or maybe they were just really lazy – but the crammer will always leave any concept of revision until the last minute (with a valid excuse, of course).

It seemed that every time they tried to approach their notes, something cropped up – a forgotten password, a book not in the library or  a needed day-off (and a few more after that). Like a cyborg they continue: eat, sleep, revise, repeat – hoping desperately for a miracle.

The Socialiser

The out-of-season BNOC has to do their fraternising somewhere. And, seeing as nobody will go out anymore, they have decided to invade study haven. They will escort you to the library under the facade of revision but ditch you as soon as you have found a seat and unpacked your study snacks.

They wonder around the library talking to anyone – literally, anyone – they can find to prevent them from starting work. They’ll often be met with smiles as anyone – literally, anyone – is glad of an excuse to lift their head up from their books.

The Meal-Deal Queen

They have a constant and envious supply of food to munch on whilst memorising their notes. Often a fan of the Tesco £3 meal deal, you may not recognise them straight away because those three pounds has gone straight to their face. Or, opting to budget, they may have packed their own lunch which is drastically worse. As soon as that Tupperware opens, the strong waft of leftover curry is enough to make anyone pass out. Please, eat in private!

The Hermit

“Fancy coming in today?” “No, I’d rather work from home” – a classic conversation with the hermit. They rise after midday and are at their desk with multiple coffees when you get home. You’ll hear them shuffling to make dinner as you go to bed but you’ll barely see the enigma that is The Hermit as they lock themselves to the confines of the room in a hope they’ll learn something! 

As they have become nocturnal in their attempts to concentrate on revision, with 3am the peak of productivity, they cut off everybody  and disappear into a revision-void consumed by their own lack of movement until exams are over.

The Vagabond

Similar to The Hermit in appearance, but they have renounced their home choosing, instead, to live in the library. They liken their work ethic to being at Glastonbury – sleep when you can (sleeping bag at the ready), take wet wipe showers AND forget about all material possessions apart from essentials (in this case, textbooks).

The Voyeur

The Voyeur is usually found staring at else in the library. Bordering on pevert, they are most commonly found in the foyer, they hang out in packs laughing at everyone’s poor attire and stressed out visages. A friend of a voyeur might find them insistent on checking their work, offering to read through your essay and pinch your notes while they’re at it.

The Chain Smoker

Often accompanied by a trail of smoke, not unlike the caterpillar from Alice and Wonderland, the chain smoker breaks up ten minutes of solid revision with a ten pack of Mayfairs. Many of them may have been moderate or social smokers before now, but those days are gone and they will do anything to lure you into their nicotine trap just so they’ll have company outside. They’ll even start smoking rollies, just kill more time.

The Gym Nutter

They’ll turn up sweaty and boasting that a healthy body is a healthy mind whilst guzzling a revolting looking protein shake and stretching out their quads in front of you. Exercise, they’ll say, is the best break you can have. Annoyingly motivated, and unbearable without deodorant – the gym nutter might as well stay there and work off the treadmill.

The Absentee

These people are the worst. They’ll have had the brains to pick 100% coursework modules and now smile smugly when you ask how many exams they have. Unfortunately, having only one exam is a rarity so The Absentee will be rather lonely around this time and probably end up going all the way back home until they’re over.

The Modafinil Monster

These guys aren’t much fun – it could be the endless trips to the loo, but more likely they’re just suddenly obssessed with the book their reading, and nothing can turn them away. If you’re lucky they might offer you some, but be sure to approach them cautiously, a Modafinil Monster can tear you down with one look – if you manage to get their attention.

The Freaked-Out Fresher

They’re in first year, but have never got a bum grade in their life. Yes, they know it’s not worth anything but they still want to “make a good impression” and pass. So they’ll take up all the good seats, ask you if you know the building their exam is and still do more work than most people do in third year. Their loss.

The Defeated Dunce

Although they’re your best friend on a night out, and have seen every Netflix series you mention, they’re barely in uni all term as they took pride in missing lectures for their “part time” job at the local pub. They don’t even pretend to be stressed out or worried and simply accept that they will fail. What’s the point in revising when I know I’ll get 9%. In fact, what’s the point in even going to the exam, or finishing uni?!

The Revisionista

The envy of everyone.  A Revisionista will preen for hours, waking up early in order to dress to impress their peers in the library. Although girls might bitch about how “it’s not a fashion show” to your friends, you really want to ask where they got their bag from. Their main purpose is to make students look shit and feel bad about their appearance, while in the two hours they took to do their hair, everyone else slept or got on with their work.