The sun’s out and you look foolish: It’s time to bin the beanie

Originally designed to protect our heads from intensely cold weather, the beanie is now being misappropriated by try-hard losers with dodgy lids

With summer fast approaching, I hope the seemingly everlasting and awful ‘trend’ that is the beanie hat will vanish from society. Unfortunately, I highly doubt the likelihood of that happening. But here are a few reasons why the beanie should be BANNED.

1. You are not ‘COOL’, ‘FAMOUS’ or ‘WILD’

To start with, arguably the most enraging thing about beanie hats is the pitiful captions threaded into the front of them. This only misleads beanie-wearers into a false sense of self-importance. These cringe captions do not make you ‘dope’ or ‘wicked’, you are in fact the complete opposite. People are laughing at you.


If only they knew…

Beanie hats do not give you the immediate ability to ‘twerk’ either…

 2. The dickhead

Another infuriating thing about the beanie is the pointless, left over cloth that awkwardly sits on top of your head. It  makes you look a complete dickhead. Literally, there would be enough space to balance an average sized penis on your head and have it hidden by a beanie.

There’s nothing ‘Standard’ about this hat…


How to achieve the ‘dickhead’ look…

3. The earless freak with shit hair

The only reason why people willingly choose to sport this monstrosity of a trend must be because they have terrible hair. In complete opposite to the previous way of wearing a beanie, others pull the hat as far down their heads as they can so it appears they have lost a sense – hearing.

So, not only do beanie-wearers have crap hair but they have no ears.


This beanie-wearer seems to have lost his sight as well as his hearing…


It’s the scumbags people that wear beanies all day, everyday that really get to me.  Come rain or shine this dedicated cult will, no doubt, be wearing a beanie. It’s almost as if these hats are permanently stuck to their heads.

I wonder if these people sweat? Ever?! It must be incredibly uncomfortable and sticky. The concept of wearing a woolly hat whilst everyone else is in shorts and flip-flops is not OK. That’s another thing, wearing a pair of shorts and a beanie AT THE SAME TIME.  Yuck.


Wearing an Xmas beanie in Autumn… perfect sense

5. The pose

Cringe poses and beanie hats seem to come hand in hand. We’ve all seen the bottom lip bite or the gloomy stare pose – usually expressed on a beanie-wearer’s face. Then again, I imagine it would be hard to smile when you’re sweating heavily, you’ve got ugly hair, there’s a penis balancing on your head and everyone’s laughing at you.


Your typical beanie w*nker

BeanieJono copy

Stare like you mean it…


All in all, beanie hats must go. I’m sure I am not alone when I say I’d be glad to see the back of them.