So you’ve been disgustingly single for a while now and feel you need a night of pure madness just so you don’t forget how to do it. You rock up in Heebies looking sexily desperate and before you know it an average suitor has picked up your scent.

After a few hours of courting – laughing at jokes that aren’t funny, asking for a fag when you don’t smoke and flirting with their mates to make them jealous – it’s time to go back to theirs.

After your night of, let’s face it, terrible sex, you wake up and your mind is dull with the first realisation of a hangover. All you want is to be at home with Domino’s in hand, giving your friends all the gory details. Unfortuately you have to brave the dreaded walk of shame in order to reach the promised land.

When we asked Liverpool students about their worst ever walks of shame the stories were hard to bear, but here are the top 3 anyway…

The pumpkin and the durex

“We were at a Halloween party on Smithdown and I was dressed as a pumpkin painted orange head to toe, not particularly seductive, but I did manage to sleep with a pretty fit Joker. In the morning I was woken up by the 14th missed call from my parents – they had spontaneously come to visit me and were waiting at my front door, two roads down.

In a panic I told the guy and he kindly found me some face wipes and a hoody and let me out. When I got back I put on a lively and happy facade and my parents seemed to buy it, but something was off with my dad… As he went to the car, my mum whispered to me ‘Darling, there’s a condom stuck to your leg…and maybe calm down on the fake tan.”

– Sam, second year

You never know who you’re gonna bump into…

All curry & no shoes

“I went out for a rugby social to Aura and ended up going back to some girl’s house. The taxi journey seemed quite long, but she was fit and willing, so I wasn’t gonna let Geography get in the way. When we got there we downed some Jaeger and the rest is history…well, to be honest, I have no recollection of the rest. I woke up naked in the front room with sick all over me and my clothes in a pile dripping in curry sauce.

I ran around frantically trying to find my shoes but they were gone. I put on my curry-soaked clothes and got out as fast as I could. On the long and shameful walk home from a definite non-student area, I got a text from the girl saying ‘Next time you go back with a girl don’t try and come on to her mum’. Oops.”

– Tim, fresher

Before he voluntarily took all his clothes off…

Christmas Eve ain’t sexy

“On Christmas Eve last year I went out with my mates for to the local pub for a couple of drinks – nothing too heavy. I ended up chatting to this boy I fancied loads at school, catching up on funny uni experiences and stuff. To cut a long and drunken story short, we drank far too much, he asked me to go to his to see his Christmas tree, and I cordially accepted.

Before I knew it I was waking up in his bed at 7 in the morning – Christmas morning! I ran home having to stop on the way to be a little bit sick. A disappointed/angry speech from my parents was inevitable, but what I didn’t expect was my little sister’s reaction: ‘Have you just got home? Are you Santa!?'”

– Molly, third year

Merry fucking Christmas

If you have a story just as bad or even worse than these (if that’s possible), comment below…

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