Valentine’s gifts: practical is the new passionate

With February 14^th fast approaching and courtly love on the menu, choosing the item that will swoop your desired off their feet is a dilemma being faced by many students, with just one day remaining until the big day.

Do not panic. The Tab has come to the rescue of the love-sick masses.

If you want to maximise your chances of waking up on the 15^th as a taken man or woman, turn your back on those classic generic gifts and say hello to the world of utility. What better way to prove your romantic potential than by giving gifts of actual use?

Don’t settle for just impressing your crush, improve their lives!

Here is a handful of gift ideas that would almost guarantee you a successful day’s courting.

Canoe

It is going to be a wet one this Valentine’s day.

canoe Could get pricey though

With more and more of our great nation becoming submerged as the days go by, why not treat your beloved to a lightweight boat this year?

Of course canoes are usually used for recreational purposes, but with biblical downpours predicted for Merseyside in the coming days, and popular student transport such as the Arriva buses being inadequately equipped to deal with apocalyptic flooding, what could be more thoughtful than making a mariner out of your lover?

On that note, as (ex) UKIP councillor David Silverster pointed out recently, the floods are only going to become more severe with the number of gay marriages on the rise. Of course, the direct link between same sex partnerships and the British climate is a widely-accepted matter of fact (and definitely not the clueless ramblings of bigoted moron).

Be the hero this February and make your darling seaworthy.

Crampons

crampon Stylish

Unfortunately a nimble boat alone will not be sufficient in tackling the impending climatic extremes.

Eventually those newly formed Venetian-style waterways will bow down to the will of nature and freeze over as the cold snap kicks in, temporarily making Liverpool an ice-covered death trap.

Do not stand back and allow your lover to risk their life attempting to negotiate such treacherous conditions.

A sturdy pair of crampons could be the difference between a Valentine’s Day spent walking arm in arm with your sweetheart and feeding them grapes from their hospital bedside, having witnessed them suffer an ice-related injury.

This year, put the traction in attraction (I’ll get my coat).

Swear Jar

Erm… this is a dog swear jar.

Simply Red once famously exclaimed that ‘Money’s Too Tight To Mention’. They were onto something.

Like most other students at this moment in time, the recipient of your affection will most likely be wrestling with dire financial situations.

With this in mind, it is difficult to think of a more useful and beneficial gift than a swear jar.

When in the comforts of our student homes or halls we are prone to the occasional profanity, especially when frustrated by common challenges of student life such as heatless rooms, 9 o’ clock starts & the burden of doing actual work.

10p per word doesn’t initially sound like much. But it will soon add up.

If you’re date is as foul-mouthed as the average student, they will soon be saving large amounts of money and turning their economic situation around.

Baseball bat

An example of an acceptable bat.

As The Tab’s reported earlier this week, a spate of burglaries has affected student areas surrounding Sefton Park. Do not let your lover become the latest victim of these opportunistic miscreants.

Any quality of baseball bat will provide enhanced security and an invaluable intimidation technique.

In most contexts a baseball bat symbolises either street violence or a truly terrible sport, however in this case it connotes love, protection & affection.

Alternative sports equipment can also provide effective security; tennis rackets, hockey sticks & cricket bats included.

These suggestions are certainly not classic Valentine’s gifts but we must not let ourselves be blinded by tradition and habit.

Practical = romantic. Just watch.

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