How to be the perfect third wheel

We’ve all been there: you go on a night out with your entire group, ready for a big one, and end up losing most of them and spending the majority of the night chaperoning your remaining friend as he/she bags a cheeky neck. Whilst this is obviously a shit end to the night we ask: why should it be? Take advantage of your third wheel status, and have some fun…

Photobomb at every opportunity

Whilst your lucky friend is having the time of their life, you can rest assured that you’ll spend the next week pissing yourself laughing at the photographic evidence you amassed. Vodka may cause them to forget their actions but your Camera Roll never will…

Possibly the best photo ever taken

Awkward

Use the opportunity to heist their drink

They aren’t paying attention and can’t exactly drink that gin and tonic with a fit rugby boy attached to their gob. May as well save yourself a few, well earned pounds and nab their drink. Really, you’re helping them out: more hands free for impromtu arse grabbing then. Go on, you deserve it.

The art of robbing the Pinot PERFECTED

Make new friends in the smoking area.

Whilst your bezzie is too busy to converse with your tipsy self, take this opportunity to make new friends. Heebies Courtyard is a mecca for this sort of thing: everyone is so crushed together that it’s hard to discern who is alone and who is with one of the many rabbles of people. Just turn to the left and presto! you’ve got a new mate. You never know: you could find the love of your life whilst your bad friend is off cavorting…

Which group to intercept first…

Head to the bar and drink your loneliness away

Usually if you hover near a group ordering shots you’re guaranteeing yourself some free alcohol whilst perhaps picking up a few more night out friends as well. Trickier than the smoking area option, but a lot more profitable.

If you stare longingly enough they’re bound to buy you one as well

OOH, NEW AU FRIENDS

Have a mad one on your own

Who needs mates? You’re drunk and ready to party: you don’t need any help with that.

LOVIN’ LIFE

and the final option…

GO HOME AND GET A MACCIES

You’ve tried to above options to no avail, and the queue for the bar is too long to handle on your own. Accept defeat, inform your friend of your imminent departure (remember to keep in touch with them throughout the rest of the night though: safety first) and head to McDonald’s. You didn’t find a questionable fella but you can always revert to your 4am booty call: the Big Mac. Grab a taxi before the clubs close and you’re sorted.

All the lovin’ you need in your life packaged into one, convenient heart attack

Happy Wheeling comrades, and good luck.