What does your area say about you?

The Tab’s definitive guide to what your living area says about you.

kensington Lark Lane smithdown student houses town

You can tell the difference between a tramp sleeping in the bins at the back of Seel Street from the benches at Sefton Park just as you can tell a Smithdown student from a Kenny one.

Here is the list of places students can live and who they attract.  Which one are you?

TOWN: You’re a bloody fresher!

So your gaff’ will be referred to as Grande Central, Larch House, Carnatic (techincally not in town, but you’re still a fresha) and so on.  You don’t care where you live, you’re just happy to be at university, all grown up with no curfew, no questions and limited one night stands.

Living life young and wild and free, bouncing around like you’re on speed 24/7, deadlines don’t scare you people, because who cares?!  IT DOESN’T EVEN COUNT! So throw your heads back and laugh in the face of anything but alcohol.

At least when you get in this state your house is only round the corner

At least when you get in this state your house is only round the corner


You’ve finished first year after doing it BIG and can’t come to terms with the fact it’s over.  Second year still isn’t that important to you, you just want to carry on the par-day.

So, you moved into a six bedroom house with people from halls.  It’s a bit smelly, no one washes up and you’ve either been robbed or your next door neighbours have, but who cares?  You’re saving a fortune!! Your rent has halved from halls.

Not only that, think of the contacts you are going to make in such a slummy, grotty, un-safe area. Dealers galore!  Hoorah!  You probably sell some class As to your mates on Lark Lane who are far too prim to visit Smithdown themselves.

You’re developing a more ghetto persona and rub shoulders with more ‘Jerimiah’s’ than you ever did in first year.

There are some interesting characters on Smithdown...

There are some interesting characters on Smithdown…


One does apologise for putting you third, in fact, for even referring to one in this article, as one who lives on Lark Lane is, of course, better than all other students.

Just teasing!  Just because you live on Lark Lane it doesn’t make you a snob, you’re just ahead of your time.  You don’t need to tosh noshes with peasants, drink cheap cider and sleep through lectures.  You’re paying for your degree, and you will complete it to a level of excellent top-toshy notch!  You would rather spend more money on your home, candles for your home, and exquisite foods… for your home.

Totally alien to students of Smithdown.




If you refer to it as ‘Kenny’, you probably live at the dodgy end and maybe don’t need to carry a knife around because you’re intimate with the barbaric boys who pace up and down each evening.

Those who call it ‘Kensington’, however, need to be able to run fast.  You’re already regretting not stretching that bit further for a more expensive place where you’d feel a little safer and, like I did once, had to run away from a group of boys on bikes because you’re scared of your own shadow.

Chin up Kenny-crew!


TOWN – if you aren’t a fresher.

You’re a third year who pretty much runs shit.  You’ve got a part-time job, you’re schooling your degree and you live in the best area, ever.  If you want to re-live first year, you’ve got mates in Smithdown – you know people.  If not, you’ve got everything else on your door-step, depending on how you’re feeling.

Today you may be ’25-year-old-author drinking coffee on Bold Street in brogues’, then tomorrow you could be hanging your head over a bin outside Zoo, but who cares?  You only need to take another step and your home again… Shabba!

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