How to pass your exams

Finding yourself in the midst of the January maelstrom can be terrifying, especially if you’ve yet to work out an effective system of tackling your revision, exams and essay deadlines.

Here, Benedict Spence suggests a few ways in which you might overcome this academic adversity…

1. Grow Your Beard.

This tried and tested technique has been favoured by men for millennia as a means of gaining wisdom, gravitas and Christ-like properties, so why not give it a go? For those ladies whose faces are less follicly endowed than their male counterparts, your hair works just as well, as does The Tab’s new favourite, underarm hair. As Withnail and I so correctly teaches:

‘Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.’

Katherine Soper in the Cambridge Tab, taking our advice

The added bonus to growing your hair long is it will make you look dishevelled and thoroughly unappealing, and so dissuade members of ‘society’ from interacting with you, leaving you free to do your work and braid your armpits in peace.

2. Invest in ‘Smart’ Narcotics.

It’s been known for a while now that some students, suspecting they aren’t clever enough to pass exams by themselves, have tried to prove these suspicions true by ingesting copious amounts of the ADHD prescription drug Modafinil, under the impression it will focus their minds.

A typical Modafinil fiend

Frankly, The Tab are all for pumping your being full of body-altering, mind-bending substances in the name of academic progress, so why not really push the boat out and invest in some of Barretine’s Methylated Spirit? If you need any further encouragement, just check out the reviews of it on Amazon.

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

3. Remember: Fear Brings Focus.

Though stress can lead to breakdowns, there is nothing quite like having ‘The Fear’ to focus your mind when exams and deadlines are upon you. If you think you could benefit but are yet to feel its full effects, it is of course possible to artificially induce a state of fear, and this can be done through several methods.

I think she’s got the fear

As this is Liverpool, you could try going for a stroll down Scottie road bedecked in your finest Man Utd garb whilst singing the praises of old boy Gideon’s ‘top-hole austerity plan’, but if you’re running low on time and are in need of rather a lot of fear, you can always get your housemates to tie you down and waterboard you. Just like the Hummer, friendly fire and Abu Ghraib, waterboarding is endorsed by the US military, so you know it’s gotta be worth a try!

4. Feed Your Brain.

Don’t go to Tesco and invest in ‘superfoods’ and supplements from Omega Boom that supposedly aid cognitive function. Cod Liver Oil won’t help you now, and neither will blueberries, broccoli, chives, red meat, vitamin D… or even Monster Munch. If you are reading this and are still looking for ways to revise or to give your brain an added boost, then you are well and truly through the looking glass and in need of some pretty drastic measures.

All the Marmite and organic peanut butter in the world won’t help you now

Instead, why not just try eating your notes? You won’t need them after the exams anyway, and it’s as quick a method as any of absorbing the knowledge. Not direct enough for you? Try sticking them in your ear. Provided you’re still conscious, you’ll soon realise that the phrase ‘In one ear, out the other’ is a myth. Believe me, I’ve tried.

5. Use the Power of Prayer.

Spirituality is and always has been at the core of human civilisation, but in recent times we as a society have been accused of neglecting, even abandoning, the traditions and religions of our forefathers.

Like elderly grandparents just waiting to die, gods appreciate being spoken to and confided in, and might even be inclined to offer their assistance once in a while if you give them attention. But do you know what really gets deities going? Sacrifice. Good, old fashioned, no frills attached human sacrifice.

Forget the SJ, this is your second home now

6. Suspend Your Studies.

In some extreme cases, you may find yourself in need of far more time to revise than the exam period allows you. In such circumstances walking in front of a bus and getting yourself a medical note excusing you from your exams can buy you up to a whole year to revise. What’s more, in 12 months’ time when you realise you didn’t use said year to do anywhere near enough work, hey presto! Do it again!

Come on, you know it makes sense.

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