A Sober Night Out at Envi

You voted Envi the worst night out, so we tried it sober…

Envi was voted Liverpool’s Worst Night Out by The Tab readership.

What better way to test its shit-ness than by braving it sober?

For most people the only evidence of an Envi visit is that of an offensive stamp copied onto their forehead from the night before.

Empty dancefloors, pervy men and a persistent man selling roses for lucky ladies – we had all of this in store.

The Pre-Amble

In an attempt to lift our spirits (without spirits) and sample the pre-Envi vibe, we boarded the final 699 in hope of some drunken tomfoolery.

The Likely Lads on the 699

Plently of back-seat banter but The Tab was disappointed by the alarming lack of inter-hall ridicle.

The Epitome of Carni-scum

With a slight concern for one Fresher’s liver and reputation, we attempted a sobering quiz prior to our long night at Envi – this was at 11:40pm…


First Impressions: Dead

As midnight struck, we entered a club as suspiciously empty as your boyfriend’s internet history.

Ordering our virgin sex on the beaches – we attempted to get a sugar high to make the night bearable.

Unlike our drinks, this club was neither sexy nor a beach, with the height of dancefloor activity being half-hearted attempts to shuffle from their seats.

The Tab’s  Adam and Cristina were despairing at the prospect of the night ahead without the numbing relief of alcohol

In a desperate attempt to reveal why this place was overwhelmingly lame The Tab questioned some Envi barmaids who had chosen to come to this “club” on their night off:


In The Tab  comments, “an honest man” had claimed the staff smelt of B.O … these lovely ladies assured us that wasn’t the case.

Upon our return inside we were delighted to see the first signs of life

The Tab was green with Envi at his moves

The segregated dancing, with drunken students running around the venue, made Envi glimmer with the memories of a year 6 disco.

Confused sexual tension and uncomfortable in their own skin, people would dance for a second and then retreat back to the refuge of  their seats

With 2 permanent DJs and 25 people at their fullest – Envi couldn’t seem to attract a crowd despite offering club classics such as “Jump Around” and “Talk Dirty to Me”.

The place was big in size but not in allure … and you had little chances of pulling unless you took the large amount of steps across the vast club to approach your prey

Adam wasn’t too keen on the drunken talent

Just to showcase the type of people Envi plays host to, The Tab introduces these loveable Scouse Scallies…


Advocated Jeremy Kyle for Secretary of State for Health, a chainsaw on a stick in case of zombie apocalypse and “Ketamine all the way” – why wouldn’t you wan’t to fraternise with these friendly JMU students?

Winning the Worst Night Out with a resounding 157 votes, we had to call it a night not-to-remember at 1:47am.

Verdict: Envi needs YOU

  • Music = decent
  • Drinks = cheap
  • Venue = aesthetically pleasing
  • Populace = beyond pathetic

With a little more people and a LOT more booze The Tab  reckons Envi could be a potentially enjoyable night out – certainly not the worst.

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