MOVEMBER: THE TAB’S GROOMING GUIDE

Boys – if you’re lucky enough to grow a substantial amount of face fuzz this Movember, take a look at our wee style guide. ‘Gwarn lad, hone that shit to perfection and wear the upper lip warmer with pride.

1. THE POIROT

If you enjoy a nice little murder mystery, this one is for you. A good solid stare into the distance is required at all times here (think wistful and interesting) preferably across the Sydney Jones. Wear some form of dodgy trench coat and never disclose what you’re hiding under that bad boy.

2. THE HULK HOGAN

One for the token “alpha male” or gym rat of the group. This ain’t going to make you look any harder mate, just like a bit of a knob. Not like that’s ever stopped you, la. Ideally shout at everyone excessively and point at everything with clenched fists. Bandana optional. Brag about chronic steroid abuse.

3. THE SALVADOR

Course, we can’t leave you arty farty lot out. Get your freak on with this belter of a tash and you’re onto a winner. Stroke while looking at some inane piece of art in The Tate. Question your life choices.

4. THE LIONEL

Dreamy

Hello, is it me you’re looking for? Damn right boy. With this babe-magnet you’ll be breakin’ hearts all over l-pool. Best combined with a sweet, sweet fro and vocal chords of a saint.

5. THE MERCURY

An all time winner. Absolute no-brainer. Be fabulous with this Queen dream, and debut your new look on campus wearing one of your many wife beaters and unnecessarily tight pants. You’ll still be giving them that vital ticket to the gun show, just this time you’re sassy, funky and fancy free.

…Not that this is much use to the majority of you like, by the end of Movember there’s a 95% chance of 1970’s-bum-fluff-paedophile-tash selfies across various social media platforms. Thought that counts, pal. Least you tried.

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