The Worst Makeup Mishaps

The Tab’s resident beauty writer gives a few makeup no-go’s. Oompa-Loompas and blusher clowns of Liverpool, beware


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There comes many a time in life when you’ve just got to let things go. Move on. Onwards and upwards, forgive and forget. This is not that time. This is a campaign – a cry for help, actually – to all those girls that have just got it so, so wrong on so many levels.

It may not be your fault, I understand. It may be due to the pitiable standards of student home lighting, poor eyesight, or just general bad taste.

Next time you’re getting ready for a night on the tiles with your ‘bitches’, bear these in mind. Please.

1. Dodgy Fake Tan

Wonka called, he wants you back in work right away. There’s a slight epidemic of the ol’ dorito face now the temperatures have dropped and the ‘summer glow’ is well and truly extinguished. Known as the Tangerine Queens, you guys take fake tan to a new and ungodly level. You’re confusing a lot of young males who are just trying to fit in one of their 5-a-day. Step away from the mitt, you don’t need that 6th layer of St Moritz.

2. Beastly Brows

Don’t drink and draw. Some girls really do delve into their creative sides and construct some really unique shapes above the eyeballs. The‘tadpole’ is one of the most popular; a shambolic result of severe over plucking and an overly passionate use of an eyebrow pencil. Others prefer to go for the all or nothing approach, and fill in their brows with what might as well be a permanent marker, with that geometric edge. Keep ‘em natural and save the artistic license and enthusiasm for Halloween.

3. Blusher: Attack of the Clowns

As with the fake tan, we all want a bit of extra spice to perk ourselves up during these harsh winter months, but this does not mean going ape shit with the blusher. Perhaps you’re an all or nothing kinda gal, but trust me on this one – you don’t want to take it from peachy keen to drag queen in one disastrous sweep of a brush. Just take a deep breath, and calm down. Pretty sure you’ll get some colour in those cheeks slut dropping every time you hear ‘your jam’, anyway. (Cue incessant screaming.)

4. Smokey Robinson

Love a good smoky eye, me. Course I do, we all do. I don’t love it, however, when you look like you’re channelling Morticia Addams. Pipe down with the black eye shadow and you’ll run less of a risk of looking like a not so high class prostitute. Also, if you’re an emotional drunk, this is just a no go. Stick to some simple waterproof eyeliner and mascara and let your personality do the talking. (Lol)

5. Tide is High

We all know the ones. The culprit wears a ‘slag line’ or ‘tide marks’ with shameless pride. It’s so simple. Just buy a foundation that matches your mug. If this is too hard, please don’t draw yourself a new jaw line with the current stuff you own which is 4 shades too dark. It ends up looking like actual facial hair. Blend it down towards your neck and into your carroty toned self to make it look at least the slightest bit presentable.

To be honest though, I do commend you all on the great effort I see put in to a night out in Liverpool. Whether it’s channelling the mahogany tones of David Dickinson or prancing round with lipstick smeared all over your faces, you lot really do provide a great source of entertainment.

Just tone it down a bit

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Just tone it down.