10 Lies to tell Freshers

1. The Guild never closed.

It smells of rich mahogany

The ‘refurbishment’ disguises a second-years-and-above private members club. We talk about you in there, and there’s table tennis and everything. There’s a big chart where we rate you all for attractiveness and we get your grades before you do. There is also a huge Facebook group where people just post photos of Freshers looking lost. Look forward to this next year.

2. Everyone who lives in Vine Court gets a 2:1.

Paying up to £180 per week in an area with some of the country’s lowest property prices doesn’t just get them an en suite and loads of fake friends, their (parents’) £180 is a failsafe way to graduate with a 2:1. These people don’t even have to go to lectures or seminars (this is why you will never meet one). They technically graduate once their Direct Debit is approved.

3. Jack Buckby won a BAFTA.

He’s very talented

Jack isn’t actually a small-minded, racist, homophobic, tiny little man, he’s a great actor! He probably does psychology or something and we’re all a part of some big human behaviours project. Give that guy a First!

4. Jokes about John Moores and Hope are always funny.

It is never inappropriate to take the piss out of people who you think might not be as clever as you. It really does not get old. It is particularly funny to demean people from John Moores and Hope because they are trying to get a degree to better themselves, even though they so clearly don’t deserve it. There’s nothing like pretension when it is backed-up by University league tables. Absolute gold, cracking SOH.

5. LGOS is part of a massive conspiracy.

Demo 2012 was actually just a joke that got a bit out of hand

University management have devised LGOS as a clever way to discredit left-wing politics and turn the whole student body into pint-sized cynics. If LGOS ever make a real change for the better it is a total accident and the decision is quietly reversed over the summer.

6. The last person in The Raz wins a bottle of champagne.

Seriously. A nice one, Moët or something.

7. Buy The Sun.

The Sun – available far and wide in Liverpool

There is a big counter-culture among students now to embrace the tabloid that is traditionally hated by the city. Copies can be hard to find so just ask one of the guys who sells The Echo in town and they’ll sort you out, they keep a few copies under their stalls.

8. Liverpool University Young Conservatives meet in a disguised Mens’ Room somewhere in Harold Cohen.

This is quite sad actually. There are just six young Tories in the whole student body and they meet in a small, windowless room. They have a secret knock (the tune to Elgar’s ‘Nimrod’) and inside there are some old newspapers and loads of stale Rich Tea biscuits. I heard James Coe got in there once and fucking trashed the place.

9. If you don’t pay your 40p library fine you can’t graduate.

An unrelated picture of someone’s rabbit in the library

I know, this one is hard to believe. It sounds like a disproportionate and draconian punishment but I’m sure they’ve got their reasons for this arbitrary and excessive rule.

10. Everyone with a MacBook is a student councillor.

Ask these guys anything and everything. They get the MacBooks for enrolling as councillors, there are loads of them around. A good place to have a chat with them is in the library where they hang around a lot. Don’t be nervous to introduce yourself and then fire from the hip with your queries. No question too trivial. They are also obliged to lend you 50p for the printer/vending machine and do not let them tell you otherwise.

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