Slinging A Bird: A Geezer’s Guide

This article was edited to remove sentences readers found offensive. The Tab apologises for the offence caused.

They say lightning never strikes twice.  Well simmer down, take a seat, and watch the Geezers smash it again with The Geezer’s Guide to Slinging a Bird.

Wimmen, try not to get worked up about this.  We’re not attacking you, we’re just giving advice to all those aspiring geezers out there, stuck in a relationship with a moist girl (and not in the good way).  You could probably learn a few things from this, so stay focused.

First off we’ll tackle some standard break up phrases and let you know what fellas are really thinking when they chuck you these excuses:

1. “It’s not you it’s me.”  I used to think you were a raving SAWT then you opened your mouth… Leave it love, all I wanna do is see off a Uri Geller (Stella) chuff a Jimmy Cliff (spliff) and watch the Babestation previews at 11. Thankyah. Next.
2. “I have commitment issues.” Since meeting your mates and your sister I’ve realised you’re actually a bit of a unit.  Plus I think your mate was giving me eyes down the battle cruiser last night and I reckon I could well be in… Sorry mush!
3. “I’m finding work tough and don’t think I can balance a relationship.” Work, what work? Basically you’ve got shite chat and I’d rather spend my spare time sitting around in my pants watching Jeremy Kyle and snapchatting videos of myself downing pints than spend another second with you talking about the length of your eye lashes and how much your best mates hate me.

Geez.

Right, now we’ve cleared that up we’ll move on to the actual parring off of chicks and how best to go about it.

As Kirstie Allsopp once said, it’s all about “location, location, location.’”  The woman talks sense. Location for dropping your piece has to be on point.

Never break it off in a moving vehicle, especially if she’s driving. Love is a powerful emotion but a fiat panda is 10x more powerful, and having a distraught women behind the wheel is a recipe for a disaster comparable to Danny Dyers latest box office entry ‘Run For Your Wife’ (Sorry pal) #prayfordannydyer.

All about location, and the car is NOT the place.

Try and avoid breaking up at her place, especially if her dad and/or brother are about. Crying daughters tend to set the dads off and it’s always a pain having to drop your bird then literally drop her daddy with a one bang on the way out.                                                                                      #dontgetlemon #carnage

Basically, break ups are never easy and there’s always some anger and awkwardness afterwards, it’s unavoidable. So make sure you get a new bird before she gets a new geezer. Let’s be honest, it is a race and you don’t want to end up looking the mug, so strap up and get down to the closest nappy night you can find.

Hope we’ve been of help.

Untill next time,

The Geezers.

Follow us @ageezasguide …or dont #giveafuck

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