‘He’s Just Not Into You…’ – Dating Drama

Let me begin by saying, nobody should ever go on a date, ever. Unless you’re a desperate 25 year old, or in a seriously long term relationship.

Love is letting a weirdo rub their nose on your face

They’re just so awkward. I speak for a lot of people when I say most of us have poor social skills at the best of times, and the concept of sitting at a table with someone you barely know, making small talk about the chicken you’ve ordered or what your favourite past-times are, is hardly appealing.

My only experience of dates is when I reluctantly went on one when I was 18 and realised the lack of relationship experience I had was seriously worrying.  The whole event had my stomach in knots for days, so I turned to one of my more experienced friends for advice as to how to endure the dreaded evening. The only piece of advice she gave me was to order risotto, as it’s apparently impossible to spill down yourself.

She was wrong. My first forkful ended up on my lap and the night just got worse from there. I then had to sit and pretend to laugh whilst this boy told me stories about the times he’d been ‘garden hopping’ – an activity I can assure you is not even remotely funny.

This resulted in my face having numerous spasms due to the length of time that I had a fake smile on it for. Clearly he thought I was on the verge of an epileptic fit, and changed the topic to his favourite singer – Justin Bieber.

Just no.

By this point the main course was over, and I was quietly deliberating with myself which piece of cutlery would be easiest to kill myself with. I politely declined dessert, and rushed home in a hurry, vowing never to subject myself to such an atrocious experience again.

Due to this, I now find the boy who shouted “you’re a fucking sort” aggressively in my face as I walked through uni more appealing than anyone who’s ever asked if they can take me out.

However, if you do decide to take the plunge and put yourself in this horribly awkward position (which I strongly recommend against), here are some tips for surviving the dreaded first date:

• Ensure it’s with someone you know you have at least one thing in common with. Struggling to make conversation about how great the weather was today or his cat’s new haircut is not enjoyable.
• Don’t go for food. At least not if your spatial awareness is anything like mine. I’d recommend drinks instead as we all know we’re much more interesting after a vodka or ten.
• Don’t get too drunk. We all know alcohol causes your eyes to work miracles, and you may start thinking you’re sat at a table with Brad Pitt. This might make you slur “you’re beautiful you should stay at mine”, which he probably isn’t going to want to do as you’ve just spent the last ten minutes crying over your ex-boyfriend.
• Don’t wear anything tight. Whether you end up going for food or drinks you’re inevitably going to end up looking approximately six months pregnant unless you’re an avid gym goer. And if you are, you don’t deserve a date – get back on your treadmill and leave us desperate alcoholics to it.
• Ultimately, if you’re going to go on a date – do it right. Being invited to a boy’s uni room or ‘for a drive in their car’ is not a date, it’s a booty call. Much to many of my friends’ disbelief…

Play your cards right and you just might bag yourself a winner.

Well, probably not. You could get a free dinner out of it though, and that’s the next best thing to love when you’re a student.

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