Breadline Valentine’s: A Geezer’s Guide

Ever the romantics, Andy Will and Rob Harding take a slightly different approach to Valentine’s Day this year…

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To quote a pretty well known band from around these parts: ‘money can’t buy you love.’ Although an inspiring and reassuring passage, we all know it’s pretty much bullshit. Money can buy you love, probably twice, especially if you’ve got a boat. So stop lying to yourself.

Don’t lose all hope though, that’s not to say that us students living on the breadline can’t snap up love and provide a decent Valentine’s Day for their special sawt. Just bear in mind that it wont be as good as Danny Dyer’s and is going to require a little bit more effort and innovation.

Geez

What we present to you is an ultimate geezers take on how the infamous February the 14th should be tackled. We’ll keep it cheap because, as we all know, ‘if you can’t pay you can’t play.’

Right, first off before any date you ideally want to get on the sauce, because, let’s be brutally honest, we’re all boring arseholes unless we’ve had a few shants. The Boundary is a safe bet for some well priced drinks and an authentic Liverpool experience, so get the Nelson Mandela’s (Stellas) in and if you’re lucky that could be that. Depending on the easiness of your date – take her home, done. And there you have an exceedingly cheap Valentine’s Day.

Is that a Stella or Nelson Mandela?…I can’t tell the difference….

If however, it takes more than that (which it shouldn’t have to), you may have to go that extra mile and dine your Valentine. Unfortunately, Valentine’s falls on a Thursday this year so all you ‘Orange Wednesday’ abusers, wave goodbye to watching this years Valentine’s rom-com, probably starring Adam Sandler trying to romance a hermaphrodite or something, before getting off to Pizza Express to scran a margherita, all for the equivalent price of a 20 deck of BHS silvers and a few Special Brews. NO! It’s going to take more than that pal, sorry.

Here are some quick ‘Do Nots’ to save you the shame:

  • Do not write them a poem
  • Do not buy them flowers
  • Do not serenade them with some average song like that dick out of McFly at his wedding, Grade-A TOBY!

Alternatively, try whipping up a meal yourself. Everyone’s got at least one signature dish they can cook and if you don’t, you probably don’t deserve a Valentine. Go and learn to stand on your own two feet before trying to sweep someone else off theirs you MUG!

You could even opt for a traditional quiet night in with a couple of DVDs and a Chester’s. Sounds nice until you realise you live in a student ‘house’, nothing works, it’s fucking freezing cold and all your housemates think you’re a nob for having a date on Valentine’s Day instead of going out with the #lads, getting pissed out of your head and shouting, ‘fuck cupid we’ve got frosty jacks’. And they may well have a point.

Maybe you just want to take a nice romantic stroll down the Docks at night when the street lights shyly light up the cobbled road in a picturesque style… For a minute there I was even convincing myself… But yeah, it’s been done before and will be done again. Not to say it’s not a great idea for a perfect date or anything, but it lacks originality and you’ll ended up being surrounded by a load of other smug couples thinking they’ve nailed it too.

Well ain’t this pretty…

To be honest, any cheap Valentines strategy is going to require the ability to swallow your pride (and the rest) and be a pretty moist version of your normal self for a night. We all know the classic moves – make a mix tape, give out some free massage coupons or bake them a heart shaped cake.

To give it to you short, you ideally you want to start and finish at The Boundary. Any shorter or further than that and you probably ain’t got the minerals. It’s not easy being sleazy but somebody’s gotta do it.

Until next time….

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The hopeless romantics themselves