Is nothing sacred?

Students across the country are outraged as rumours sweep the nation that Britain’s leading supermarket, Tesco, is announcing plans to strip their shelves of our beloved Bière Spéciale.

Initial reports, although unfounded at present, unveil this latest ruling as part of a string of Tory legislation that aims to reinstate England’s universities as elitist institutions.

A second year History student from the University of Liverpool said: “This is just the thin end of the wedge in a continuum of party policy that is committed in its efforts of restoring the act of attending university as solely a pursuit of the wealthy.”

Indeed, Bière Spéciale had hitherto been selected by Tesco for its amazing value. An 8 x 25cl crate would set you back as little as £2.45. 20 x 25cl bottles would usually cost you around £6.

Bye-bye Beery

Amid this speculation, students may now be forced to start purchasing pricier alcoholic beverages. It is feared we may now have to pay as much as £6.50 for a pack of 4 premium lagers.

If the prospect of crippling debt wasn’t enough to lose sleep over, it has now taken on an altogether more daunting form as taking the edge off this sinking realisation with a couple of stubbies will no longer be a possibility.

Looks as though he doesn’t give a shit

The news evokes the horrors of Thatcherite Britain, an era we all thought we had gladly seen the back of: as the Tory government of the 70s had to find substantial cuts to meet election pledges on tax, removing free school milk became the most notorious saving introduced.

Dubbed “the meanest and most unworthy thing [he] had seen in 20 years,” by the (then) Labour education spokesman, Edward Short, such a cut has since earned Thatcher the nickname ‘Thatcher the Milk Snatcher.’

The Milk Snatcher

Students are left to consider whether anything is sacred anymore and question whether David Cameron is trying to emulate ‘Thatcher, Thatcher the Milk Snatcher’ as we chant: “Oi Cameron, Cameron, where’s our beer gone?”

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