I Call Bullshit on Accommod8

We hear it all too often, people moaning about their accommodation. ‘Here we go again…’ I hear you mutter under your breath, but hear me out, this is a good one.

Last year, when looking for a house, I went through Accommod8. The viewing of what went on to be my current house went well; I was promised a lovely TV on the wall, flash new furniture for the living room and rent at £65 a week including utilities. I was also told I would be fine to move in at least by the beginning of August. I was over the moon. However, in reality I was only able to pick up my keys at the end of September, two full months late, which meant I had to lodge like a hobo over summer. Eventually in, I got to do the the standard quick tour of the house, yay, counting pin pricks in the wall, blue tack stains, cracks in the exposed floorboards, as you do, with one of their lovely staff. She looked at me as if I was deluded when I asked about the missing TV, I mean that was the unique selling point! This little tour lasted for about 3 hours and was obviously designed to prove later that I’d trashed the place, as if it could be worse. Good, I didn’t want my deposit back anyway..

The dragon’s lair…

So, I am finally settled in my new abode. The damp patch has been reported, and I have a home for the next year. Over the next couple of weeks I begin to notice other problems too, I found upon getting a telly that the aerial also doesn’t work, and despite of the Fitted Bathroom Furniture charm my bathroom sink is overflowing within a week because it’s clogged. I report these things promptly, using their overly complicated, impossible to navigate online service with high expectations they will be fixed. Well, maybe I am deluded, I am only giving them my money after all. Who expects to get a service for that?

The other tenants and I have even written a cute little rota; others may have a cleaning rota but we have a complaint rota. I go down there every second Wednesday. I know everyone who works there on first name terms now, which is nice. They begin by insinuating I am deluded and confused, and that I never reported these problems. Their next move is to tell me they have their contractors on more pressing issues, or ‘emergency’ repairs as they call them, and that I should buy a plunger and fix the sink myself. Oh well, forgive me for expecting people to do what I pay them to do. I have already changed their light bulb for them because I got sick of pissing in the dark, and more. The truth of the matter is there aren’t any ‘emergency repairs’ to be dealt with, just like I wasn’t deluded, delirious or confused. What’s Accomod8’s next fob off line I wonder? No, no, thank you, I have better things to do. I would rather watch YouTube clips of ‘FENTON!!!!’ than look at their stupid confused faces as I try to explain they get paid a wage because they are expected to do a job.

Please write in with any of your stories of Accomod8 to ‘[email protected]’ and I will read them; the best ones will be put in this column. Make them funny and at least we can laugh while we get screwed.