Deputy Doug, Part II:

Meet Doug, The Tab’s very own Deputy Editor. Doug isn’t your average student – have a look at some of the weird and wonderful things he gets up to on a daily basis…


Part I didn’t go down too well with Doug. He was upset that what I had written had made him look, and this is verbatim, “slightly strange.” I did feel bad for a bit, but I soon got over that. As editor of The Tab, I feel it’s my duty (if only for my own amusement) to keep you readers up to date with all the goings on in the wonderfully weird life of Deputy Doug. He’s gone to Leeds this weekend, on a spiritual journey apparently (I didn’t ask too many questions), so I thought I’d take this opportunity to publish the next instalment, safe in the knowledge that he can’t perform some bizarre ritual on me while I sleep in retaliation. Although, he probably still could – it is Doug after all – nothing’s unheard of…

Deputy Doug and the mysterious boy with hands for a face.

  • 10th October 2012: In our house we have this iPod dock/radio thing in the kitchen that is only ever really used when we collectively decide to do a sort of 80s tidying up montage to sounds of Duran Duran (not Queen, they are shit.) This usually happens once every few weeks or something, so naturally, seeing as we’ve been back at Uni for a few months now, the batteries have ran out. None of us knew what to do with the used batteries (do you know? Do you recycle them, or what?) so we just left them lying about in the living room. On this particular evening, I got back from Uni, opened the living room door, threw my books down on the table and sat down on the sofa. I looked up to see Doug, sitting sheepishly in the corner, licking one of the batteries. ‘What are you doing?’ I asked, confused. ‘Just gettin’ my buzz on, man,’ was his reply.
  • 21st October 2012: Today I ventured into previously unknown territory; that unknown territory being Doug’s room. He usually doesn’t let people go in there (I’ll leave it up to you to decide why this is). Anyway, on this occasion I was permitted entry to go and retrieve one of my books I had lent him. After about five minutes of fumbling around in the dark, I finally found what I was looking for. I went back downstairs to where Doug was and said, ‘Doug, the light’s not working in your room,” to which he replied, ‘yeah, I know, it’s been like that since we moved in, I kind of like it.”
  • 30th October 2012: Doug received a parcel through the post today. I know what you’re probably thinking: he’s just been blowing his student loan on new clothes like the rest of us….nope, you’re wrong. Instead, what he had ordered was a luxury case of assorted red wines, a bike pump and some weird looking pot and pans. Now, the wine I can let go, it only makes sense to buy in bulk if you spend most evenings sitting in the living room, in a smoking jacket, with a glass of red in one hand and a pipe in the other. It’s the other two that got me all confused. I asked, ‘what are those pans for?’ To which he replied, ‘They’re for when I want to make Turkish Coffee,’ (naturally), ‘you need special pans, you see.’ Oh right, of course you do, how stupid of me. After this answer I didn’t pursue with my questioning; I dread to think what he plans on using that bike pump for. Although, I can say with utmost certainty, it won’t be used to pump up tyres.