Every mistake you’ll make when you study English at Uni of Lincoln

Before you go out into the “real world” and get a job, get into debt and make some mistakes in what is commonly known as “university life”. It’s fun, it’s crazy and you may actually even learn something, but as an English student you’re bound to get something wrong…

Buying all the books and not needing them

This year you swore you were going to be organised, so when the reading list was released you set about buying every book on there, including every poetry collection, short stories and the dreaded theory books. Then term time rolls around and what do the tutors decide to gift you with? A reader of all the books for that module… great.

Try not to make the same mistake again and buy none of your books for the semester after

“They’ll just give the reading to us in a reader again.”

WRONG! This term you needed four theory books, 12 novels and a poetry anthology and you’ve got to write an essay on them in week two… save me Amazon Prime!

Try to read every novel

Weeks one and two are deceptively easy; a couple of articles here and there, and a chance to have a social life outside of the reading you have to do. Week three appears and BAM! If you’ve not read the entire works of Shakespeare, now might be a good time to do so because there’s an in class test in week four and “we expect you to remember quotes, and not just the famous ones”. With that you wave goodbye to ever catching up on Gossip Girl and try to read everything at once.

Think you understand poetry

You know that 2,000 word essay you wrote about the poem about nature? Well it was actually a satirical criticism about the monarchy, but at least you got the rhyme and meter right.

Think you understand theory

This will never make sense

You will never understand theory, quit while you’re ahead.

Think you understand referencing 

Which way around do the page number and editor go again?

How many references are we supposed to have in our bibliography?

Why does it referencing exist? That’s a question we will never know the answer to.

Try to sound smart in a seminar and get shot down

“I think that Voldemort was just misunderstood”.

Um, no.

Attempt to hide the fact that you’re hungover in a seminar

Not hung over AT ALL

With your baggy hoody, Costa Coffee and your darkest shades you think you’re doing a great job of hiding the fact that you’re still recovering from last night’s “sesh”. But considering there’s usually around 10-20 people in your seminar, you stand out like a sore thumb… Good luck trying to explain why you’ve not done the reading now.

Use as many ‘big words’ as possible to fill up your word count

You know on Friends when Joey uses the thesaurus to make himself sound smarter, and he ended up with: “They are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps”? Well that’s how you sound. The Oxford Dictionary is good for many things, but filling the word count is not one of them…

Think people will stop asking you if you want to be a teacher

They will never stop asking you. As soon as you admit you study English, you have consigned yourself to a life of “So, do you want to be a teacher then?” and ‘Ooh English, you’re gonna be a teacher!’ I’m sorry to break it to you Maureen, but I don’t envisage myself teaching snotty 5 year olds their ABC’s, and yes, I know teaching is a reliable position now-a-days!