No, I won’t be your gay BFF

Every gay guy will have experienced a girl desperately attempting to befriend them in hope of bagging themselves a “gay bff”. If you’re fortunate to have avoided this situation, let me break it down for you…

It’s a Friday night in Lincoln, and post midnight the club becomes a sea of students on the prowl. The bar becomes an all too strong tide as I’m shoved and pushed by passersby until I’m able to actually reach across and purchase myself a drink. “Double Vodka and coke”, I order.

And then I come to that girl.

Both me and my boyfriend were approached by her at the bar, yet I can’t remember her face clearly due to my drunken state. She began to speak, and only hope we had at least a little bit of small talk before the first killer question- “Are you guys gay?” Standard question, one which I politely answered- “Yeah, we are.”

The night in question

She opened her mouth and gasped. Was she surprised? Was she going to give me the usual “Well you don’t look gay?” – what does gay actually look like again?

I digress, however she began to flutter around me. I was a little concerned, she was far too excited. Maybe she was happy we were so open? Perhaps, she thought we were a good couple? A cute couple even? (Not like I can think of being called anything worse).

I was wrong, oh so very wrong. This particular girl decided to say the one thing which grinds my gears mores than my flatmates kitchen hygiene routine, which is notably none existent.

“WILL YOU GUYS BE MY GAY BEST FRIENDS?”

Real friends, no fakes please

I was disappointed. Her intentions were not sinister by all means, but this question, this ONE question rubs me up the wrong way.

Here is a decree of things I will not do with you:

• Go shopping
• Talk about lads
• Do your hair
• Let you do my hair
• Allow you to coat me in makeup (Not every gay guy is a drag queen, or wants to be one, although RuPaul’s drag race is returning soon and I’m maybe a little too excited)
• Go tanning
• Go to the gym
• Be your personal shopper

And the list could go on. I mean, I may be gay strange girl, but I’m certainly not your friend. If you want to be friends with me purely because I like myself a bit of  ‘Artpop’ on the sly , you’ve got to sort out your priorities. What about my pretentious yet creative and loveable personality?

My female friends like me for me, god knows why

What about the fact I’m always happy to go out my way for a friend or relative? Why not be mates with me for the perks of me being a generally nice human being? I will not be an accessory for you to skip around with and flaunt, I am a person, not a designer handbag.

Please, do not think I am insinuating every girl is like this – oh no. The majority if not all of my female friends are mates with me because I’m your average nice guy, not because I like men also, or because they think i’ll go shopping with them.

To conclude, girls who’re looking for a gay best friend, your intentions may be positive, but befriending someone because they’re gay doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to get excessive shopping trips and fashion tips. In fact, you’re most likely going to get rejection.

I’m either a best mate or I’m not, but I’m not down to be your “gay best friend” stranger I met mere seconds ago.