What is the worst thing about Lincoln?
The swans have got to be up there
Although famously shat on by Mr Gilbert and Will Mackenzie during an episode of The Inbetweeners, the University of Lincoln is actually quite nice (despite the smell of the Brayford).
However, when it comes to final year most students have certainly come to terms with the fact that Lincoln, like everywhere, has it’s own specific downfalls.
The level crossing
Everyone knows the feeling of running late to a lecture. You’re sweating like Noel Edmonds when there’s two boxes remaining and the contestant says NO DEAL.
You keep switching between a desperate power-walk and a half hearted jog in a frantic attempt to overtake the half-human-half-snail hybrid that decided to walk in front of you. Just when you didn’t think it could get much worse you hear it: that oh so familiar siren warning you that the level crossing barriers are coming down.
Some ambitious people start up a sprint in a courageous attempt to out run the inevitable, but as the barriers come down you know you’re there for a while.
Despite impatiently tapping your foot and sighing, the 14:37 to Grimsby Town isn’t going away any time soon, and unless you fancy doing some impressive parkour over a moving train, you’re going to be late.
They have a top flight speed of 60mph, can break a human leg with their wing and are protected by the Queen, and are taking over the city of Lincoln. On more than one occasion I’ve seen a swan standing in the middle of the path, getting lairy with anyone trying to pass.
They also invade our roads, the train tracks and even the Minerva building.
Just remember before you attempt to sidle past an angry swan, they are highly intelligent and remember who has been kind to them, or not.
The tension between locals and students is undoubtedly high, with the occasional “twat” and “fucking students” being thrown our way. Many locals appear to have the view that students have taken over their beloved city.
How dare we pump money into their economy.
It also doesn’t help that Lincoln has been named the crack and heroin use capital of England. Figures suggest that for every 1,000 people in Lincoln an estimated 25 are taking crack cocaine or opiates. With the national average being 8.4 per 1,000, it’s no wonder the locals might be a bit grouchy.
Lincoln is pretty small, and there’s only so many times you can stand and stare at the cathedral for a total of 3 minutes before deciding it really wasn’t worth the climb.
Without a proper indoor shopping centre to rival the likes of Highcross Leicester, Intu Derby or the Bullring in Birmingham, there’s a lack of places to go.
The post office building
For those of you who have had to post a parcel,you will have been greeted by one of the worst buildings in England. Firstly, it smells like death and value brand soup, a concoction that truly wrinkles one’s nose in disgust. There also appears to be a shortage of teeth for those who dwell inside it.
The small number of shops this building contains are ones thought not to exist in the 21st century, then again they do match the theme ‘things that firmly belong in the 1990s’.
One student perfectly summed up the atmosphere by saying: “It feels like god’s waiting room, like where people crawl out to die surrounded by knitting patterns and cat hair.”
Steps into uni
To get in and out of the uni campus, there’s a high chance you’ll come into contact with stairs. Although rather a first world problem, it still causes surging levels of anger, especially when you’re in a rush or stuck behind a group who think it’s acceptable to spread themselves over every step.
There’s nothing quite like being out of breath with burning calf muscles.
Not to mention the random crap that seems to appear on these steps after every student night. Memorable mentions include smashed beer bottles, a used tampon and a whole, intact fish.