Why real smokers hate ‘social smokers’

Ah, smoking. The guilty pleasure that everyone and everything in society tells you not do to, but it just feels good.

It’s the perfect vice – after a big meal, after waking up, after a long day at uni… in fact, there aren’t many situations where having a cheeky cigarette doesn’t fit the bill perfectly.

However, the only time when being a smoker doesn’t pay off is when you’re out and faced with the drunken desperation of a social smoker.

“Pleaaaaase I’ll give you 50p?”

The social smoker hunts for its prey and takes advantage of people stood enjoying a bit of “fresh air” in the smoking area, usually after escaping some auto-tuned recycled doss from the speakers of a sweaty club.

You usually feel a pat on your back, followed with the drunken slur “S’cuse me mate, can I pinch a fag?”

Now, if you have straights, it’s not so much of a problem. You can hand them a fag and they are well on their way back to their pals. If you smoke rollies however, it’s a completely different kettle of fish.

You have to stand fumbling around, negotiating through the copious amounts of loose change in your pockets, fiddling with rizlas, filters and tobacco, bearing in mind by this time of the night you’re pretty rat-arsed and can’t be bothered to help.

It’s hard enough to roll your own, never mind for some pissed up idiot who doesn’t even know what a filter is.

“OMG I’m so bad at using these kind of lighters can you help me?”

As you’re rolling this moron’s cigarette for them, they seem to start sharing their life story with you- telling you about the first time they smoked, how they let their hair down in their gap yah travelling round Asia while chain smoking and constantly try to justify to you that they aren’t addicted to it and only smoke “part time” with their friends, probably just to look cool.

They even sometimes laugh about how they don’t know why they’re even smoking, commenting on how they hate the taste sober and normally think its disgusting.

Mate, what are you doing? It’s hard to understand why anyone would voluntarily want to get into such a harmful habit so late into their teenage years simply to look cool or because they “fancy a cig”.

Most of you don’t even inhale it properly

If you don’t need to smoke throughout the day then why are you suddenly gasping for one because you’ve had a bit of vodka? It doesn’t even make any sense.

Some of us made the mistake of getting into smoking from an early age, and are now heavily addicted and paying for it through our health and our bank balances.

Make your mind up: are you a smoker or aren’t you? If so, buy your own bloody fags and learn to roll yourself, please, so we can enjoy our precious fag breaks peacefully.