Stay away from the student journos

Your worst enemy will make it their life’s goal to passionately remember every embarrassing thing you’ve ever said or done. Your average student journalist will apathetically record it all just to meet their 4pm deadline.

Your enemies may hate you, but hey that’s still a feeling. Journalism students don’t care, and that’s far more disturbing.

Months of desperately ringing up the local council at 2am, just for another shitty story about road closures have rid them of the ability to empathise with anything other than the ‘leads’ they spent all of ten minutes stealing finding on The Lincolnite.

If they’re “smart” enough to have bought a dictaphone they’ll tell you how superior they feel for having it at every opportunity, despite the fact that they never actually use it for any of their dull attempts at “scoops” anyway.

Just smile and try to resist the urge to tell them they’ve just spent £20 on something that comes free on their phone.

But don’t ever mention how difficult your course or life is, unless you want their squiggly shorthand notes shoved down your throat quicker than you could say ‘size matters!’

Going on a night out with a journalism student can be a harrowing experience. When they’re sober, no incident is too shocking or sleazy to be overlooked.

While Law students will spend the night debating with bouncers and psychology students will psychoanalyse your every choice of drink, journalism students will get dressed up as normal people and see the night as a chance to pull… a story out of nothing.

You’d feel sorry for them if they weren’t desperately peddling those one-sided poorly written ‘news’ articles to you and anyone that’ll read it.

And if the night’s not shady enough for their tastes, they’ll quite happily use an old journalistic technique called ‘writing complete bullshit’.

Saw someone smoke half a spliff outside? Drug trafficking on the rise by 700%. Didn’t get into Home last Tuesday night? Obviously some kind of prejudice against you, sexism or racism always make for easy writing.

One of your flatmates has her drink spiked? Hell, you could get a two page spread on the shameful corruption of society’s moral code out of that.

But the worst thing about Journalism students is the hypocrisy. Most journalists will tell you they’d never write for a tabloid paper, but if the opportunity came knocking we all know they wouldn’t turn it down.

Unless they’re more of a liberal lefty than Al Gore they’re not going to turn down the opportunity to write for The Daily Mail.

Sure, they might not loathe immigrants or the unemployed or fucking eggs like their editors do, but since when did true opinions or basic human decency stop a wannabe journalist justifying his pay check?

At the end of the day, they’re just trying to make a living. Or they have no soul and want their constant pain to be inflicted on others. Either way, piss one off and their revenge will forever be only a few clicks away.