How to pass your exams

Worried? Frightened? Confused? You weakling – what you need are some handy tips to ace your exams, no matter what the costs. Keep these under your belt in case a mate of yours needs to swindle their way around that pesky test!

1) Write the answers on your hip

Scribble it all down minutes before the exam, and take a quick peek when no one is looking. If you get caught, you can get scared and sweat away all the evidence. Gross, but handy!

2) Write the answers on a scrap of paper, and hide it in your pen

After all, no one will be searching your pens.

The pen is mightier than a sword, since a sword can’t help you write.

3) Pretend to be deaf

Purchase an old Sony Walkman with the old headphones from a charity shop. Before you enter the exam, place a tape full of the answers that you recorded the night before into the music player, and play it when the exam starts. If anyone asks what that is on your ears, pretend to struggle hearing them and say that it’s a cheap, crap hearing aid.

It is very important that you don’t mix up your tapes.

4) Bribe the person marking the work

Put those loans and grants to good use rather than spending it all on cheap vodka and buy yourself a 2:1. If you want a first on your exam, then you’ll be needing a lot of money.

Why do you think nerdies at places like Oxford and Cambridge always get top marks?

5) Study hard

In the end, isn’t that what university is all about?

Wait, whaddya mean, ‘no’?

And if that doesn’t work, study harder.