Five ways to ruin a lecture

Sometimes there are good lectures, and other times there are brain-rotting hour-wasters of pure boredom. If you feel like it’s time to make things interesting, try out these five top tips on how to totally ruin a lecture, courtesy from your chums at The Tab.

1) Put an alarm on your phone and have it activate every five minutes

Add some Disturbed or Thin Lizzy as your ringtone. If you had an 11 o’clock lecture, punch in alarms at 11.05, 11.10, 11.15, etc. Of course, you should never turn the volume down or turn it off when someone tells you to.

ALARM “IF YOU LIKE TO GAMBLE, THEN, BABY. I’M YOUR MAN…”, etc. (Repeat every five minutes)

2) Have a game of Jelly Botty

Eat eighteen curries (and a few tins of baked beans if you’re still peckish) before the lecture starts and let loose a miasma of bum gases to stink out the room. Watch in delight as people cough and splutter, or chortle and laugh at the sounds.

One of many to go down.

3) Doodle on the register

A register is being passed around, and there’s always one twat who holds onto it until the end, causing a bloody battalion of angry students to huddle around the front to sign it at the end. Take it a step further by doodling on it, and unleashing your inner thoughts on everyone. “John Smith is a right wanker”, etc.

I did that once, and I found all these fellas from the lecture outside my accommodation.

4) Cover the projector with tape

Some lectures require a presentation. If you tape the projector’s lens up, that isn’t going to happen. Whilst you’re at it, you could always tape up the monitor at the front, too. Now the lecture will be a friggin’ boring hour of someone reading from a sheet and standing at the front, much to everyone’s irritation.

There’s a joke about tape and projectors…but I just…can’t…remember it…

5) Seal all exits

Before anyone arrives, go inside the hall and tape the door up, blocking it off with some tables as well. Then, use the emergency exit and tape it up from the outside, throwing some chairs in front of it. The time it takes for anyone to pry the door open and gain access should result in an hour (or more!) wasted.

Budget cuts have removed the other exits, and they’re breaking in. Shit.