Stop telling me that Midlanders don’t exist

Being from a small Midlands town near Wolverhampton myself, the choice to stay in the Midlands at Leicester Uni wasn’t deliberate – but it’s definitely been nice to stay around the home comforts of my fellow Midlanders, who accept we’re actually “a thing”.

When I’m at home, everyone around me is very accepting of the Midlands “existing”. But at uni I’m surrounded by a pesky Southern bunch who treat my beloved land as a purgatory between them and their rivals in the North.

Birmingham looking beautiful

The Midlands has just as much to offer as the South in terms of culture. With places such as Warwick Castle, the grave of Richard III in Leicester, the home of Shakespeare in Stratford-Upon-Avon and much more, the cultural significance of the Midlands provides so much to the country. We’re also the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution, which made the nation what it is today. Why shouldn’t we be recognised as a genuine place in the country?

If you’re from down South, your main argument for it being the best place in the country is that you’re somehow linked to The Royal Family, and that makes you superior.

OK, well you also pay three times the price to live there on just about anything. Carlsberg should never be more than £2.50 a pint – but for some reason in London it’s okay to pay almost a fiver? Even Prince Harry wouldn’t settle for that.

We get it, you’re from Buckinghamshire

Although we’re not in the North, where it only gets cheaper, we exist in order to allow Southerners to slowly adapt when heading up there. Even here in Leicester, which is still a city, everything is much cheaper. But then again, looking at the state of Leicester, are we really surprised?

Southerners in the Midlands are adamant that we’re Northerners because “Anything above Watford is the North”. Well done, on a small geographical scale the Midlands are more Northern than Watford. But there’s definitely much more of the country further North than us.

The nightclub scene in the home counties

Saying that, the North isn’t much better in recognising the Midlands either, classing us as Southerners. The same rules apply: we’re further South than you Northerners, but there’s much more “South” below us. Not that they can judge anyway – the national general consensus is that it’s grim up north. Although, credit where credit is due, they do host some brilliant nights out.

You have to feel a little bit sorry for them, because they’re pretty much forgotten up there also – It’s OK, we know what it’s like to try and be noticed. You can be our ugly friend to make us look like a 10/10.

And what else is there down South apart from London? Seaside towns and a lack of roads able to get you there? Yeah Cornwall is pretty, but it’s pretty useless apart from Cornish Ice-Cream and Cornish Pasties. There are more ports in the South of England than the North – is that to keep up with the demand of people wanting to leave?

Probably our biggest significance to the country is being a buffer zone between the rowdy members of the North, and the “I’ve got a trust fund” population of the South. The same way that the South don’t get the deal with chips & gravy, the North don’t get their obsession with cider festivals, for they have Ale – to put real hair on your chest.

Real men drink Ale

So how do we respond here? Well, we take your chips & gravy, and we apply cheese. We take your cider festivals and give them fruity flavours, because who actually likes Scrumpy apart from 15-year-olds in parks. That’s what we do in the midlands: we make things better. We don’t necessarily have originality, but we have heart. Plus, without us, no-one would have things like pork pies and Cadbury’s – and we all know that no Southern county fayre is complete without a pork pie.

Yeh, we exist

We sit here contently nestled between the both of you, softening the harsh parts about both of your cultures so they’re acceptable to all. We’re neutral. We’re Switzerland in any form of war – we keep out.

Not everything about the South is bad, and I’m not saying everything about the Midlands brilliant. All we really want is a little bit of acceptance that we are a place. After all, Birmingham is our “Second City” – and as Safone would say, “She wants a man from Brum”.