Roman orgies, public urination and Veuve Clicquot: Could Cricket be the most middle-class team of all?

‘There’s no one packing heat in the team, that’s probably why we play cricket’

We sat down with cricket treasurer, Gavin Hall, and got him to tell us all of cricket’s dirty secrets.

Gavin Hall, Cricket treasurer

Worst with the ladies?

It’s gotta be Max Hurst, he’s just got awful chat, and for a man who’s part of the gented classes he just doesn’t know how to use his money wisely

Least likely to graduate?

I’d probably go with myself for that one to be fair, because I’m the “stupidest” in the team. Is that even a word?

Biggest lightweight?

Jack Stokes, after a couple of cans of strongbow his pants will be down by his ankles.

Most attractive?

I’m going to go with Max Hurst, Max has an air of sophistication and his money makes him a good fit.

Best at pulling?

I’m going to give this to myself and Jack Stokes, we’re both from Stoke so I think there must be something in the Stoke on Trent water.

Biggest melt?

We all play a sport which requires us to wear ridiculous white clothing and come off at half time for a cup of tea, we’re hardly going to win the award for the most macho team.

Most well endowed?

Close call. Without getting a measuring tape out, Jack Stokes and Sam Pounds.

Who has the smallest package?

There’s no one packing heat in the team, that’s probably why we play cricket, we haven’t got a lot to protect. I think its fair to say we’re all growers not showers.

Quickest to down a pint?

We’re not really pint drinkers, we prefer a jar of Pimms or a bottle of Veuve Clicquot Champagne. We like to keep it classy.

Who’s the best at handling their drink?

There’s a few contenders, Euan Scott can put it away, he’s not a speed drinker but endurance wise he’s pretty good. Max Hurst too, he can put pints away for fun.

Most vein?

Harry Sambrook. For someone who resembles an Ewok he spends a lot of time looking in the mirror, and also his hair is never out of place.

Most likely to do the stride of pride?

Jack Stokes because he rarely takes girls back to his whereas most of us have an open door policy so wouldn’t count for this one, he loves to snapchat his stride of pride as well.

Who’s the dirtiest?

I’ve got a pretty filthy mind to be fair, and a bit of a curveball, George Sacre has a pretty dirty mind. Some of the things he said would shock even the most open minded man, sometimes with him i don’t know whether to laugh, cry, be shocked or appalled- Or a combination of all 4.

Three words to represent the club?

“How’s your father?”

Most trouble the club has ever been in?

My first year on the social to Birmingham when one of our ex players decided he was going to urinate in the corner of walkabout, and George Sacre threw a slice of pizza at a bus driver and the bus driver pulled the bus over in the hard shoulder. Or when our ex second team captain, Henry Whitehouse, decided he was going to run amuck in the O2 with a fire extinguisher, we got into quite a bit of trouble for that.

Funniest story?

My favourite story was from last year’s varsity which we won for the first time in ten years. It was during our showers, a quarter of a tonne of men were on top of each other, including our ex club captain Jonny Williams and Jake Hurley. It was like a roman orgy with two men, then the current first team captain Harry Sambrook started doing the Harlem shake behind them and that topped it off, very funny and was nice to be part of the occasion.