What on Earth were DMU thinking?

Varsity season is almost upon us but if their videos are anything to go by then the poly don’t stand a chance.

Last year we had a ladies hockey team that poured milk over themselves, a women’s rugby team playing in heels and a men’s hockey club doing the harlem shake.

This year we have a men’s rugby team video packed with forward passes and feeble attempted tackles, a swimming video which depicts the team displaying a severe lack of pace and, once again, a horribly over-sexualised women’s rugby video. Not to mention the generic varsity video. Harrowing.

Let’s start with women’s rugby.

Rugby is a hard game, it’s physical, that means the best way to depict the team is by panning up their bodies from their ankles and breasts and having them wear lipstick…oh wait. No. No it’s not.

Yeah cool, you’re covered in mud and seductively blowing a whistle. Maybe it’s those tactics that contributed towards your loss yesterday, I mean 43-0 wasn’t really one-sided enough was it.

Losing by that margin must be really disheartening, especially as the big game is only a matter of days. The desperation to end the 10 year losing streak must be huge but let’s not cry on the pitch and ask members of the Leicester team how to win shall we.

Moving swiftly on.

This men’s video is much better. It shows them hitting the gym hard, lifting heavy things and putting them down again. LADSLADSLADS GYMGYMGYM.

Then it all goes a bit wrong…

Why would the game plan to beat Leicester be sellotaped to a rugby ball and thrown around willynilly…honestly such disregard for the details.

We’re then taken on a whistlestop tour of what life is like ‘North of the wall’, where people sprint around the streets carrying letters attached to rugby balls and knock over people who are anything but convincing in holding a tackle pad. All before ending up the SU giving the plan to beat Leicester to the Sports and Recreation Office.

Err, shouldn’t they be giving it to you?

The video for swimming and try isn’t really much better.

Almost 40 seconds of their video is taken up by them storing their bags in the variety of lockers poolside.

Then there’s some awkwardly slow lane swimming followed by an intense gym sesh.

The manic cycling and disco lights really do go hand in hand, if only they were actually going somewhere but that’s not the worst part.

What on earth is the seasoned swimming pro doing at 2.01…it looks like his knee has just collapsed underneath him.

That’s enough targeted abuse. Now it’s time for the generic video.

This year our fine friends over at DMU have opted to parody one of the most famous speeches in sports movie history, that of Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday. There are of course a few differences.

Number one, Al Pacino is not in the video. Instead they have a guy wearing what can only be described as a crime against fashion in his face, I mean really…those sunglasses are awful. Not to mention the fact the video is shot indoors.

Then comes the drama, or should I say the worst attempted American accent in the history of life on earth.

The irony comes when Leicester are criticised for their push ups and jumping jacks. Of course DMU would never dream of including such activities in their videos.

How awful.