Every type of fuckboy you’ll meet in Leeds this Valentine’s Day
There’s a reason these guys are single
Stay clear of fuckboys was your second most important new years resolution (second to not buying drunk nuggets and chips and making food at home instead) and this year you vowed to stick to it. But two months later and you’ve already the proud owner of five ‘You Up?’ texts, three random facebook adds, and one really fucking awful shag.
So with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, here’s a list of all the fuckboys you’ll most unfortunately but definitely meet.
The Space promoter trying to convince you there’s no better way to spend V day single than at Space
Did you know he can even get you free tix? And maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get to go home with him at the end of the night. LUCKY YOU. Cos there’s nowhere else you wanna spend possibly the worst night of the year (if you’re single, although guys get over it it’s not that bad) than one of the worst nightclubs in the UK.
The edgy softboy who spends most of his time looking for indie gigs and old vinyl stores
He studies English and Philosophy, obviously, and takes everything he knows about romance from classic Victorian novels. Sucks that they’re outdated and usually pretty tragic. He’ll try and convince you that V day is nothing more than a Hallmark creation to make money (I mean, it is, but it’s also an excuse for chocolate and loads of sex so?) – if you even manage to make him admit you guys are together in time for V day. He’s romantic when it counts though, so expect super slow, soft sex that’ll make you feel like you’re floating before he serenades you with his guitar.
The one who one day just stopped replying to your messages
It was all going so well. You’d been talking for a couple of weeks and things had just begun to move from 2/10 flirty to a solid 8/10. You weren’t expecting a marriage proposal or anything, maybe not even a relationship, just some sex with someone that you actually fancied and who you wouldn’t have to leave at 4:37am after realising it had all been a massive mistake. Convo was flowing, and then suddenly- no reply. You told yourself he was probably just busy, but four days later and you’re having to accept that you’ve been massively pied.
Or instead, the boy who just won’t stop messaging you
You told him it wasn’t going anywhere and when he protested you blocked him on messenger. Two months later and he’s managed to find your facebook. And then your snapchat. And then your instagram. But although you turned him down on what seems to be every single fucking type of social media, he still manages to find a way into your inbox. You wouldn’t even be surprised if he sent you a valentines day email this year.
The guy who’s convinced himself you’re The One™ even though you’ve only been on two dates
He probably studies science or Geography, and he’s totally nerdy but he’s got that skinny white boy vibe going on that you’re totally digging. He’ll buy you everything cliche he can find for V day – teddies, chocolate, roses, dinner, the lot. And then he’ll get pissed off when you have to tell him it’s just not working out. Erm excuse me, he’s a nice guy didn’t you know? How dare you decide you don’t fancy him when he’s done all this stuff for you. Because he’s nice. Not because, you know, he wanted sex. Nope. Totally just cos he was nice.
The “I’m not a fuckboy” fuckboy
You knew this one was a risk from the start. And maybe you should actually listen to your friends for a change. But you were never one to stray away from a challenge, and he was most definitely that.
The founder of the ‘You Up?’ text, and the one who made leaving you on read for seventeen hours and fifty-two minutes practically sexy, the only aim of this common breed of fuckboy is to prove you wrong.
Except he didn’t, surprising no one.
Then there’s the “wannabe fuckboy” fuckboy
He wears ripped skinnies, tight white tees and is most definitely a rugby boy. You probs met in Fruity, he gave you the whole drunken speech of how he’s not ready for a relationship and just wants to be #youngsingleandfree. So you shag him, do the walk of shame across Hyde Park and then it hits, the “let’s go on a date” text. Turns out he’s not a fuck boy after all, he’s after a relationship and that one night stand is about to get a whole lot more complicated.
The fuck buddy who turns out to have a girlfriend
Ladies, we’ve been all here. You’re having a blast, the best sex of your life, he actually knows where the clit is and he has the boyfriend sized dick, aka large but not too painful. But then one day you’re lying in bed, legs still tingling and he starts sending romantic texts to another girl. You’re not exclusive or in a relationship, but it would have been nice to know that you were helping him cheat on his girlfriend.
The older guy, who you think is really mature, but turns out to be the biggest fuck up of all
You’re tired of freshers – they’re bad in bed, immature and boring. So you go for an older guy, maybe a Masters student or a non student, if you’re feeling risky. But here’s a secret, they’re all the same – age doesn’t change their maturity, if anything it enhances it.
The guy who’s idea of date night is a night at Canal Mills followed by Crispy’s
Actually, this sounds amazing. Where do I sign up?
Illustrations by Bobby Palmer and Robyn Gunn