How to nab a boyfriend this cuffing season

Cuffing season is upon us. All you singletons are going to be needing to grab a boyfriend at the earliest convenience, for if you don’t, you will surely freeze to death without anyone to cuddle during the long, winter nights. But fear not – here’s a handy guide on how to get a boyfriend.

Make an effort!

If you’re turning up to lectures and seminars with a bed head and no makeup, you’re going to need to up your game. I’m talking concealer and mascara. Contour. Brows on fleek. Falsies. Your face needs to be BEAT. I don’t care if you have a 9am and you need your beauty sleep – you need a man more.

Dress up a little

As Clueless’ Cher says: “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of being naked, and then they think of sex”. Flash your pins in a short skirt and woolly tights if you’re feeling chilly. Wear an oversized jumper to make him wish you were wearing his. Give off high-class escort vibes in a fur coat. Turn up in an animal pelt. Turn up naked. Whatever gets his attention.

Always be prepared

You need to have every inch of your body shaved, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Can you think of anything worse than the man of your dreams running his hands up your legs only for him to feel any trace of hair? You must project the image of being a hairless, alien creature. He must never know that you have hit puberty. This is essential. You must not have any hair anywhere. Apart from your head.

Or, you know, grow your hair

A tactic sure to turn heads: don’t shave at all! Let your lady garden run free. Grow out your armpit stubble. Grow a beard. Grow a moustache! Don’t stop until your legs resemble those of a grizzly bear!

Be mean to him

You know the old adage – treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen. Tease him. Get into play fights. Break his nose. Have sex with his best mate. Kill his dog. Guys love that shit.

Tease him

Don’t dive into anything. The anticipation of desire is always better than the fulfilment, so don’t give him what he wants straight away. No sex. Don’t even give him head. Don’t kiss him. Don’t hold his hand. In fact, don’t ever touch him. Flat out refuse any hug or cuddle. Always walk five metres apart from him. Insist on a restraining order.

Don’t talk to him

Keep him guessing. Delete his number. Unfriend his Facebook. Block his Snapchat. If he somehow messages you, reply “sorry, who is this?” Go further than this. Delete every fuckboy off your phone. Tell every weirdo who says “aw don’t you want me babe haha it is cuffing season after all 😉 xx” to kindly fuck off and that you’re fine on your own and you will never, ever, at any point in your life “need” a man. You’ll be on the road to success in no time!