Every single type of guy you’ll meet on Grindr before you give up on men entirely

If you actually meet any of them, run

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Grindr is one of the most well-known apps in the world but few know what being on the app is actually like. While Grindr likes to think that the first time its users meet up, it’s for a cute date in a field in front of a setting sunset with hand-held kisses in the park, the reality is far from this. Most guys I know who have the app have a love-hate relationship with it. Sadly there are never as many hot guys as the promotional photos on Grindr seem to suggest but the hope for the needle in the haystack always keeps it on our phones – any vow to have a Grindr cleanse usually lasting a week before its back to the App store.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUuu9XTlw45/?hl=en&taken-by=grindrmeme

Here is a guide to the world and the guys of Grindr.

The kinky af guy 

Maybe because discovering one’s sexual orientation starts with experimentation, people’s kinkier sides have always found a home in the gay community. You may have dabbled in the dark arts yourself every once in a while but anything and everything you’ve tried pales in comparison to this guy.

Often he’ll message you with a list of demands that he likes to do in bed and a contract that comes straight out of Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh and if you show your socks, shoes or feet in any context in your profile anywhere, you’re just asking for trouble.

The guy who refuses to show his face

Or any part of his body really. Most people like a little mystery to their men to keep them on their toes but this is a little too much. He pops up in your DMs but gives no sign that he is a physical human being. Trying to get this guy to send one photo of himself is harder than the task of cracking the Enigma in World War Two. It’s a no brainer that you’d never meet up with this person given it’s unlikely that they look like the Grindr logo.

The guy without a head

A slight upgrade from the invisible man in that he actually has a body. His profile usually consists of a revealing body picture, a torso with arms and legs but no head. Thankfully this is no longer the medieval period where beheading was the norm but it is always worrying to see someone missing an important bit of biological anatomy. While a good chest and a six pack of abs is always nice, it’s a shame that the person doesn’t come with a face to go along with the rest of the package.

The psycho

Does this even need an explanation, really? He seems nice, charming and comes with looks that could kill (hopefully not literally too). You even go on a few dates with him. But then you stop replying for two minutes, sorry, but I have a life ya know, and in their eyes you’re purposely playing mind games and ignoring them. Immediately you lose all worth in their eyes if you can’t come over at three in the morning as he’s feeling a little horny because you’re having a night in with friends. Blocking isn’t always 100% effective – any app he can find you on whether its WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat or Message. Often not getting the message that if you’ve been blocked, it might be because you’re no longer interested.

The guy who can’t take a hint

This guy hits you over the head with his lack of social skills straight out of the gate, which makes him different from his close counterpart, the psycho. This type of guy is certainly not confined to the world of Grindr but it’s always extra awkward when you see him at your local gay club.

You never message him but each time you’re online, he’ll feel the need to pop you a message. 10 “hi’s” later, he still won’t quit. Definitely hasn’t got the message. You’ll be kind and say you’re not interested but he keeps on coming. Usually asking you why. Look if I knew what type of guy was my type, I would have found my husband by now.

 

The dick pic guy

Apparently all that he feels worth sharing with you is his male genitalia. That basically sums this guy up. He often comes unsolicited with a side of extremely graphic and off-putting details of his junk and what he likes to do with it.

The guy who is in the gym 24/7

This guy has it all. Gorgeous body, surfer blond hair and tanned, smooth skin. He works out 7 times a week, maybe more and feels free to show it off to the world. A slight problem, he won’t speak to anyone that doesn’t look or act like him. Often poses with a protein shake in hand and the conversation often inevitably ends up talking about his time at the gym. His location is most likely the locker room of his local gym. A meathead through and through. It’s obviously some people’s type but for those looking for a bit of substance, this sadly ain’t your guy. His profile might come with the endearing ‘no fats, no femmes’ as the cherry on top.

The personal trainer

This man is only here for his job, sorry lads. You see his profile, you think ‘dayummm’. You drop him a cheeky ‘hi’. Then comesthe disappointment. He’s most likely straight and the reason for his being on Grindr is he wants to help you work out and sadly that’s not in a good way.

The fuckboy who doesn’t want a fuck

This might seem like a bit of juxtaposition but Grindr is full of these guys. Despite you never meeting up, he still manages to screw you over and is usually easy to spot after you refuse to send nudes to him. He’s often opens the conversation with a line that he thinks is witty.

The catfish

His profile might have a picture of Matt Bomer, Pietro Boselli or some other hot model on it but that doesn’t stop him from insisting that he’s real. You usually catch on after a few minutes of conversation but even when you realise, they still insist on keeping the pretence.

The sugar daddy

Who wouldn’t love to have a sugar daddy? Always sounds a tempting prospect especially when you’re a student with mountains of debt. That is until you remember you may have to give some sugar at some point in return. Still, this suits some people. The opening lyrics of Lana Del Rey’s ‘Cola’ are likely to feature on a twink’s profile as an indication this is what he’s looking for.

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The racist

Racism exists everywhere especially on the internet. I think we’ve got that memo by now. However Grindr seem to have a high proportion. There’s nothing better than a welcome home when you open the app in the middle of the countryside and the closest profile says they ‘prefer whites’. We all have preferences but if you seek to go out of your way to exclude any race and not be open, it can be hard to view you as anything other than racist. Grindr allows you to connect with guys of every race, I’d say make the most of it.

The guy who’s still insisting he’s straight

Despite having sex with guys. This one’s a classic. He’ll say that he’s “masc for masc” meaning masculinity is only what he defines it to be. If you don’t act like him, then you’re not a man. One man can’t decide what makes another man a man but he feels the need to say so anyway. Given that Grindr is an app for men, this always strikes me as slightly ironic. The hypocrisy is made even worse by his insistence that he acts like a straight man. There’s only one slight problem with that. He has sex with men. That kind of makes it hard for him to say he acts straight. Gay sex is no more emasculating than straight sex so it’s time to get over yourself.

That absolute, 10/10, husband material dream boat

Enough said. You still hope he’s out there somewhere and regardless of how much you hate the app, you’ll still mourn the day your account gets suspended. For totally ridiculous reasons, obvs. Definitely not because you were secretly the catfish all along.