All the struggles of being an unsuccessful hoe

Every friendship group has a superstar hoe. She’s texting multiple men at pres and zooming off for a booty call later in the night. You’re never quite sure which guy she’s talking about, and frankly, you just can’t relate.

We can’t all slide directly out of the womb and into someone’s DMs. Some of us have to learn the ways of the hoe. Some of us never really do. What’s important is to embrace each and every one of these struggles the unsuccessful hoe faces.

Your friends have the best intentions, but their advice is usually a load of shit

Yeah, I know, we’ve been here before… two months ago with the last guy I got caught up on. There are only so many shoulders to cry on that your mates can offer before they get sick of how emosh every potential romance makes you. It’s the same cycle of advice every single time as well.

They might as well just make a set of “how to help my dumb friend get over a boy” note cards and hand them over next time things get rough.

How can you not cry over fit boys

On the rare occasion that the opportunity arises, you’re never, ever wearing the right underwear for the job

It’s such a surprise when you do pull that instead of having whipped out that amazing Victoria’s Secret set that makes your boobs look spectacular, you’re wearing massive, bizarrely-patterned underwear that should really only be reserved for that time of the month.

What a bloody nightmare; there is nothing more discouraging than spending the taxi-ride back to his contemplating how you can swing it so that he never actually sees what you’re wearing. Lights off? A kinky blindfold?

Send help, I have literally no idea what I’m doing.

Despite not having that ugly a face, your selfie game is never on point when you need it to be

I kid you not, I once spent twenty minutes taking a good enough selfie to send to a guy, only to accidentally delete it when I screenshotted for a second opinion. Following that, it took me another half an hour to take a pic that was nowhere near as good, before he Snapped me first and rendered the entire exercise unnecessary.

These are the real struggles.

And it’s not even that you’re unattractive, or that you can’t take a nice picture before a night out for the ‘gram, it just seems that in the heat of the moment, when everything rests on your selfie-taking abilities, your face just isn’t up to the challenge.

So why can’t I pull off a carefully-planned selfie?

The other girls in their life are always so much fitter than you

You try not to stalk them, you really do, but when their Insta isn’t on private and they’re all just so attractive, it’s really hard to resist. The most tragic part is that you have no idea how much of a “thing” they actually are, so then you have the stress of worrying about whether you’re in an entirely different, far superior league to these girls or whether those late-night Snaps he’s sending are going to half his fucking friends list.

It’s an actual disaster, made worse by the knowledge that despite your potential higher ranking in his life, nothing can change the fact that they’re doing squats while you’re getting a Deliveroo driver to bring you twenty-five pounds worth of KFC.

Your guy is definitely speaking to a dozen other girls, whereas your DMs are as barren as the Sahara desert

It’s almost guaranteed in this Tinder-saturated age that any guy you speak to will have six other girls sliding into his DMs at the same time; a sad, sad reality when yours are sadly vacant of anyone but him.

And believe me, I’m aware it’s not your fault – the world isn’t Bumble, I hate messaging first and I know plenty of girls that feel the same way – but it’s an uphill struggle all the same.

How can you seem aloof and unbothered when the only time you get a Facebook notification is when he tags you in a weird dog meme?

Cute messages from bae

You’re the only one in your friendship group that never manages to pull on a night out

In the past, before the freedom of uni unleashed a whole new beast to tackle, girls’ night out was the highlight of your social calendar. A chance to get dressed up, go to that club that plays the cheesy late 90’s bangers, and have a sick night with your best mates. Now, however, it’s a whole different ball game.

Within an hour of arriving at your destination of choice, all the single members of your friendship group have pulled, that girl in the long-term relationship is crying down the phone to her boyf in the smoking area, and you’re sat by yourself, sipping your double rum and Coke, wondering where it all went wrong. It’s all fun and games until you realise that you’re destined to remain a wing-woman forever.

It’s just me and the rosé tonight tbh

You can’t relate to any of the highly-criticised “hoe behaviours” the internet loves to complain about

The dog filter doesn’t suit you, nobody bought you any foil balloons on your birthday, and none of these crazy Instagram trends like the bambi pose or the plandid are your style.

You just can’t relate.

And maybe that’s where you’re going wrong – perhaps if you conformed to the traditional “hoe uniform”, so to speak, it would automatically elevate your hoe game to a place where the only struggles are deciding which of your twelve guys to text back first. Still, at this moment in time, it just doesn’t seem to be the life for you.

I’ll stick to real dogs thank you

Despite the adversity we face, however, you have to remember that proverb about enjoying the journey. One day, when you’re a seasoned professional, unaffected by fuckboys, DMs overflowing, you’re going to look back on your days as an unsuccessful hoe and smile.

We’re all in this together, gal, hang in there.