Which Love Island star is your Uni of Leeds hall of residence?
Not everywhere’s good enough for the Blazin’ Squad
This summer, the nation has unapologetically put all their eggs in the Love Island basket (or just Chris’ – yeah, probably just Chris’. Definitely not Liv’s). So, just ahead of the final, here is this year’s cast reimagined as your halls of residence.
Charles Morris – Camilla
Charles Morris is so ridiculously posh that she probably has connections to the Royal Family (although you wouldn’t be able to tell by her eyelashes). She has just finished her gap yah helping the poor kids in Cambodia and you can probably find the before and after pictures of the school she helped to build all over Instagram. At first, Charles Morris seems sweet and innocent, but you’ll eventually come to learn that she’s just as dirty as the rest of you. Forget the prim and proper act, that festival video shows exactly how Charles Morris can get down and dirty. You’ll probably find her sitting in the smoking area of Canal Mills with a ciggy in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.
James Baillie – Kem
James Baillie is undoubtedly the BNOC of accommodations. Everyone who knows James Baillie fucking loves James Baillie because James Baillie is a #LAD. After coming back from Napa with the boys, he comes to uni for a good time and a good time only. He unpacks his Pioneer decks from his mum’s Audi, fixes his hair and within a split second has formed a lad group based on their mutual appreciation of grime music and his flatmate’s arse. He’s that dickhead at pres who stops the girls’ hoe anthems so he can put on a “little bit of grime”, when everyone knows he’s just going to try to rap over an instrumental of Stormzy’s “Shut Up”. Everyone rolls their eyes at the mention of James Baillie because he’s a bit cringe, but it’s also a “little bit leave it yeh” because you can’t help but fucking love him.
Lupton – Chris
Never far away from his brother James Baillie, Lupton’s first impressions aren’t the best. Initially, you didn’t apply for him and his bland exterior looks like an army barracks. He really does seem like the seedy type to try and grind on you when Katy Perry’s “Roar” comes on at Fruity. Yet, once you’ve warmed up to Lupton and your first impressions start to fade, you realise that he’s pretty lovable and deserves a second chance (and that he has a massive knob).
Central Village – Liv
Everyone loves to hate Central Village because everyone wants Central Village. And god help it’s ego. Like Olivia, Central Village puts all its’ eggs in everyone’s baskets and tells them they’re 100% her type on paper. She’s fit and flirty and she’ll probably tell you she’d “shag you in the laundry room if no one found out” too, for that extra dose of seduction. She likes to feel wanted and kicks off when she doesn’t get attention. In the end, Central Village is oversubscribed and painfully overrated. Once you strip away the gorgeous exterior of her blonde hair and fake boobs, all you are left with is a cold, materialistic and boring interior. But please don’t cry about it, because that’s why we’re in this mess in the first place.
The Tannery – Gabby
Tannery is that girl that everyone needs in Freshers. She’s fun, sociable, overly-friendly and borderline intrusive. Tannery forcefully adopts the “role” of councilor and professional tear-wiper when you accidentally cheat on your boyfriend with a stranger at Quids In. But, as Freshers calms down and the year progresses, Tannery’s value decreases. She starts to wipe her own tears over being left out from all the others. She’s a bit dramatic and everyone tends to avoid her a bit. In fact, no one really wanted her in the first place.
Devonshire Halls – Johnny
By the looks of Devonshire’s Instagram, he’s pretty fucking rich and craves that Oxbridge aesthetic. Despite having this disgusting wealth, Devonshire is that lad who gets a bit too possessive over his property and won’t share his mixer at pres because he’s “only got a bit left”. His girlfriend dumps him two weeks into uni because she has found someone more fun and less dull elsewhere. And she probably found out he was faking all his money anyway, just like people at Devonshire are just fakers and not good enough to get into Charles Morris. It’s a shame really.
Oxley – Jess and Dom
Everyone hears whispers of Oxley during Freshers. But like Dom and Jess, the Oxley glory days are short-lived – if ever lived at all – and soon forgotten about. Truthfully, no one really cares about Oxley’s UK tour or the teeth whitening products that they advertise on their Instagram. No one really cares about them at all.
Liberty Dock – Montana
Lib Dock is so bloody far away, it might as well be locked away in a castle of ice for all the visitors they have. Just like poor Mon’s heart. But if you ever do make the effort to walk 45 minutes all the way down there you’ll realise that actually, the view of the river and the en-suite bathrooms make it kinda worth it. Just like Alex is realising it’s well worth him grafting for weeks and weeks on end, just so he can crack Montana’s icy heart and get her to admit that she does “really like him”. Which is just what you want to hear when you profess your love for someone.
Concept Place – Craig
You really really wanted to get into Central Village, almost as much as Craig wanted to get with Camilla. Do you know what I mean? Sadly, it wasn’t to be, so you got dumped into one of the worst accomodations there is (I mean, you’re sharing a block with Beckett students), just like Craig’s short lived stay in the villa ended with a brutal breakup and dumping. He looked like a shit, second class Pro Green, just like Concept Place is the shit version of Central Village.
Leodis – Alex
Leodis is so boring, two weeks after leaving you’re not even going to remember the name of it. Just like Alex. Cos let’s be real, if he wasn’t with Montana, would you even remember his name?
Lyddon Hall – Amber
Located right in the middle of campus and made up of Victorian buildings, Lyddon Hall is the only place dramatic enough for Amber. Plus, the traditional library complete with a grand piano is everything she needs to get ready for her West End debut. She can even practise her choreography in the large main hall. What more could you ask for? Except maybe to be a bit closer to James Baillie and all those lads rapping out Stormzy every 5 minutes.
North Hill Court – Jamie
He’s posh, and he’s fit, and he likes to read – but he also likes a really good party. He’s got a bird in Charles Morris, cos posh people stick with posh people, it’s just a way of life, and he’s desperate to get her out to Ibiza to check she’s not just a posh bird but a posh bird who can handle her alcohol too. Her compromise? They have to go help out some refugee camps too. Which is a bit of a killjoy, but at least you can get some good snaps for the gram, and make out like you’re on a gap yah. Cos you just don’t fit in at Leeds if you haven’t been on a gap yah.
Cityside – Marcel
Cityside is one of the most expensive residences at Leeds, making it so far out of pretty much everyone’s reach – just like Marcel. His beautifully sculpted body, charms, gentlemanly-ness, ability to get his girl a coffee in the morning without being asked is the male equivalent of Cityside’s large double beds, ensuites, onsite gym and Cafe Nero. What more could you ask for? Plus with all Marcel’s fame and money from being in the Blazin’ Squad (did you know he used to be a member of Blazin’ Squad?), he’s probably the only one who could actually afford to live here.
Mary Morris – Muggy Mike
Mary Morris was closed for a while, but now it’s back and fitter than ever. Just like Mike. No one could contain their excitement when they found out Muggy Mike was going in for round two and wondered what drama he would cause this time. But then he went and messed about with Liv, again, and everyone realised that actually nothing’s changed. He’s exactly the same, just like Mary Morris is. And you can’t help but feel just a little bit disappointed.
Montague Burton – Harley
Sorry, where? Just like Harley, the first to be dumped from the villa, Montague Burton is forgettable and insignificant. Sure, it’s only 5 minutes away from campus, but even Harley’s rippling muscles weren’t enough to make you remember him, so why does Montague think its any better?