We know who you should vote for in the general election based on what you did for your ‘gap yah’

The general election is nearly here, and pretty much no one has decided who they’re voting for. The Tab has been helping out, telling you who to vote for based on your edgy leeds preferences, or giving you up to date info about where various party leaders are speaking around the country. But it just hasn’t worked. People are left just as clueless as before, mostly just deciding that they’re all a bit shit tbh.

All that is in the past though, because we’ve finally cracked it. What’s the one thing pretty much everyone did before uni? Took a “gap yah”, of course. And what you decided to do for your gap year is pretty much guaranteed to determine who you should vote for. We think so anyway.

If you worked for your Daddy’s finance company then you’re Conservative through and through

There’s almost no point in any of the other parties campaigning in your eyes. With a nice solid job set up there after you graduate – most likely from your Business Management course at Leeds Beckett – the last thing you want is for Labour to increase corporation tax. How will you be able to afford your fancy London dinners and swanky cars if you have to pay an extra 6% in tax? Sure, you don’t really know what’s doing on in finance, and your gap year was mostly just filing (not that you’ll ever tell your mates that), but the fact that you don’t really have to work hard at all? Score. Daddy’s done all the hard work, all you have to do is put on a suit and show up on time.

The ‘I went volunteering and helped save the turtles’ is practically the Green Party’s motto

You don’t really care about the environment, you just wanted a nice holiday but your mum was nagging at you about your CV. Two weeks in and you’re lecturing everyone around you about how we only have one earth, and did you know plastic bottles take 450 years to decompose? Before long your entire personality has been taken over by your love for the environment, and no one no longer has any idea what else you care about. Something about three day weekends? Who knows.

If you disappeared for a year, but no one really knows where you went then you should probably just vote Plaid Cymru

You said you went travelling for the year, but apart from one pic of you on an elephant, and another one in front of some temple, no one has any idea where you went. Or even that you were gone in the first place. You’re happy doing your own thing, just don’t expect anyone else to remember what that is.

You didn’t take a gap year, cos you’re not going to uni, making you one of the only people who thinks UKIP’s policies are credible

You left school at 16, did an apprenticeship in car mechanics, and base your life off Phil Mitchell from Eastenders. It’s a hard knock life, but someone has to do it, and hey, it’s a decent living, and who said you have to go to uni to be successful? You don’t much care for the EU, but now that Brexit’s happened no one’s really sure what you believe in any more. Do you even still think it’s a good idea to leave the EU? Probably not, but you’ll stick to your guns because that’s about the only thing people know you for.

If you spent the whole year drinking and partying then The Monster Raving Loony Party is for you

You travelled the country visiting all your mates at their unis, drinking the entire time, mostly because you just didn’t want to face the reality of uni yet. You’re the life of the party, which means people often forget what you’re really about. Didn’t you once say you wanted to cut the NHS?

You applied for work experience everywhere you could think of cos you’re a people pleaser with no real goal in life and should vote Lib Dems

You’re mum wants you to be a lawyer, so you applied for experience at a law firm. You’re dad wants you to be a journalist, so you applied to write for the Daily Mail (hey, no one said he wanted you to be a good journalist). Your gran wants free haircuts, so guess who also applied for beauty school. But what do you want to do? Your life is made up of bits and pieces of what other people have said, and you’ll probably end up doing none of it.

You went on a city break in Edinburgh, cos didn’t you know Scotland is the best place in the world and there’s no party as great as the SNP?

You’re a wannabe novelist, and JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter in Edinburgh so why can’t you write a smash hit too? You ditch your family and friends for the year in a bid to “find yourself” in the greatest country on Earth. You don’t care about the rest of the UK, only your own interests – although you quickly forget that without your family in England you would have no money to fund anything.

If you decided to skip the gap year altogether because you wanted to get on with your life then you’re one of the sensible ones and you should vote Labour

What’s the point of putting your life on hold for no reason? Get to uni, get a decent degree, get a job and start contributing to the economy that you’ve been moaning about your whole life. You work hard, but sometimes things in life don’t work out and you realise that. Being poor is hardly ever deliberate.