How to make a guy fall in love with you in Leeds

A foolproof guide

The year’s over and soon summer will be too, which means cuffing season is upon us. Here’s how to bag yourself the human equivalent of a hot water bottle before it’s too late and you’re dying of hypothermia.

Step 1: invest in some wavey garms

Whoever said “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” was wrong. No, you need to get yourself down to some charity shops in Headingley. Inevitably you will fail and resort to forking out nigh on £100 at Blue Rinse or Urban Outfitters in a desperate attempt to look edgy. Grab some staple pieces to attract a man’s attention:  think branded sportswear, sequins, and stuff looking like it belonged to your mum in the 1980s.

Step 2: smother yourself in glitter

The Leeds female’s equivalent to a peacock whipping out its plumage, glitter is a one-way ticket to your crush’s heart. Skip the contouring, save yourself £40 and forget your Urban Decay palettes, don’t even bother with your hair: grab a £1.99 bag of chunky green glitter off eBay and you’re all set. The men of Leeds will come flocking, I assure you.

Step 3: cut some mad shapes

Whether you’re at a standard Mixtape on a Tuesday night or a messy one at Beaver Works, you’re going to need to dance to impress – how else are you going to attract a man? Whether it’s going to take ten Red Stripes or a smattering of narcotics to get you in the dancing mood, do whatever it takes. Make prolonged eye contact with any male of your choosing as you bust some moves and hope for the best.

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Step 4: settle for someone else

This “male of your choosing” is going to be out of your league and will likely be repulsed by your so-called “moves”. Look for someone who you believe to be “beneath” your league – read: someone actually in your league – and go for them instead.

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Guess he’ll do

Step 5: spill his drink

Whether it’s a demure little bump into him or you end up literally smacking that vodka mixer out of his sweaty hands, spill that motherfucker. Then, apologise and offer to buy him a new one at the bar. He literally can’t refuse seeing as you’ve spilled his first one. Reverse gender roles and force the poor man into at least two minutes of glorious conversation with you in one easy swoop. Clever, right?

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Spill those bad lads

Step 6: move things to the smoking area

Once he’s more inebriated from the double – or if he’s the shy type, treble – you bought him, move things outside so you can talk about when and where you’re getting married and how many kids you want and what breed of dog you two will have.

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Step 7: move things to the bedroom

Once established that he’s fine with you getting a border terrier together, suggest that you go back home. Maybe stop for a cheeky Crispy’s on the way back – pro tip: if he doesn’t get cheesy chips and gravy, he is not the one. Once safely nestled in your Hyde Park bed, I trust you won’t need instructions on what to do.

Great success

Step 8: ignore him

That’s right, air him. Ignore his ‘hey nice to meet you the other night aha x’ text, ignore the ‘?’ that comes after, and delete the friend request. Men always want what they can’t have, and I guarantee that such brutal levels of rejection will lead to him inevitably falling in love with you.

That’s the spirit

That said, if after step 7 you happen to have caught feelings for him (he probably had you at ‘cheesy chips and gravy please’), it may be best if you do drop him a message back.