What I’ve learnt about male depression after losing my friend to suicide

In 2015 over 6,000 people committed suicide in the UK, a terrifying statistic. The number of people taking their own life every single day is deeply concerning. The biggest killer of men under the age of 50 is suicide. Suicide is a pandemic in every definition of the word, and it has to stop. One person takes their life roughly every single hour of every single day, and on average, there is one suicide per 25 attempts. 26 times an hour, someone has felt as low as they possibly can, and decided their life was not worth living.

On the 29^th April 2017, a friend of mine and many, James Burke, lost his battle with mental health issues.

 

When I heard the news, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to sit in my room with a bottle of rum, listen to some music, and cry. After an instinctive phone call to my dad, who always knows how to say the words I need to hear, Leeds University Rugby League (LURL) got together, and we talked, and we laughed, and got drunk together, because we are best mates, and brothers. We took that day to think about every amazing thing that has ever happened, every memory of him, and tell stories about him. 3 weeks to the day as I have started to write this article, the first question that came into my head that Sunday afternoon, is still unanswered.

Could I have done more? If only I had text him that afternoon, if only I had been with him, if I had said something. But the fact of the matter is that, it is a decision that someone who has been feeling down, has to make for themselves.

I was listening to the radio as I was getting the train to Liverpool recently, and a song came on: “How to save a life” by The Fray. It goes like this, “Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere alone in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life”. To sit here and hear those lyrics, and I’m sure many of the boys will vouch for me on this, it hurts. The first step, is indeed the fact that you need to tell your mate that “we need to talk”. Speaking out is one of the most difficult things for any millennial to possibly consider.

Talking about mental health comes with its own set of things to be weary of. Mainly due to the fact that it is so rarely spoken about, and no one wants to be the person to bring up something negative when with their mates, because everyone is having a good time, except in reality you’re not. You’re putting on a brave face in front of everyone around you because showing weakness feels like that’s exactly what you are, weak. But the fact is, you are not. When people open up about their feelings, they are showing incredible strength and compassion, which can be hard to see sometimes. As someone who locks things away in whatever part of my brain that wants to have it, I know how hard it is to find that strength to open up.

Talking to someone, your mum or dad, your best mate, your average mate, a doctor, that bloke you were talking shite in Terrace to. Literally fucking anyone will listen to you if you have a problem or worry you wanted to run by them, because that is how this planet is the way it is, because people are there for each other. If anyone ever responds negatively to any problem you present to them, they are not your fucking friend, or a human being.

Raising awareness about mental health, and suicide is something I have been taking very seriously, and I want to speak as much as I possibly can about the subject. Listening to Burky’s mother Sharon at the funeral, after she had lost her only son: she said that no mother should ever have to say goodbye to their child, and no mother should ever have to feel the way she does. And I would like to add, no bloke ever needs to carry their mate’s coffin at their funeral.

Please find a way to get your head around it, and talk to someone, and do not let anything overcome you. Life is beautiful, and every single minute should be treasured, and for every minute you sit and feel negative about yourself, you are wasting time on this beautiful planet, and time doesn’t stop for you.  Speak to someone, and talk about how you are feeling so that a problem shared, can be a problem halved, and you can begin to feel amazing again, and enjoy your life.

I hope you are resting in peace bud, and that you were able to look down and see the number of people who came to say goodbye. Sleep tight my friend, until I see you again. My hero, James Burke, 1995 – 2017.

Just remember that suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with a mental health issue, or feeling suicidal, you/they can contact Samaritans at any time day or night on the free phone number – 116 123.