Every single way invigilators will make your life hell this exam season

Exams are stressful enough, but there’s a group of people out there whose job it is to make them a whole lot worse. They are of course, invigilators. They are death-eaters of the exam hall, removing the little hope and happiness you had left as you stepped into the exam hall. Here’s why they are the worst people you’ve ever met at uni.

They tell you not to talk, but then chatter the whole way through the exam

Invigilators stress the importance for us not to make any noise during the exam, but yet they find it completely appropriate to just talk amongst themselves during the exam, normally stood right behind you. Quite frankly Susan, I’m taking an exam on political philosophy so no, I don’t want to know what colour you’re painting your dining room. Or how much you and the girls had to drink on Saturday night. Or how it’s little Sherri’s birthday next month and she’s “just so excited, bless her”. Basically, what I’m trying to say is, shut the fuck up Susan. Please. 

They start the exam late but finish it early

Excuse me. This exam is 2 hours long, it is not my fault that you spent 10 minutes telling us that we should switch of our phones otherwise we will be disqualified from all University exams. We learnt this doing our GCSE’s we know we can’t have our phones on us. You’ve now started the exam late, but they’ll make up the lost time by ending your exam on time and not give you the ten minutes they took from you.

You can’t even cry in the toilets without an invigilator escorting you

They make you put your bags miles away from your desk

Please tell me why we should put our bags in the opposite end of the hall from where we’re sat. Seriously, there is no logic behind this as anyone after you will have put their bags where you’re  sat because there’s no room where you put yours. So really you could have put your bag closer to your seat. Now it will take an extra 5 minutes to clamber over the other bags at the end of the exam before you can leave. I want to get to Terrace sooner rather than later to wash down the exam stress, thank you very much.

They interrupt the whole exam when there’s a tiny grammatical error

Your useless module leader has used the wrong “there”, probably an honest mistake. The invigilator will then stop the whole exam to clarify which “there” should be used and take 5 minutes to explain. In their eyes this calls the whole validity of the exam into question. Seriously I think we can figure this one out for ourselves we’ve been in the education system for well over 12 years now. Will they give you this wasted time back at the end of the exam though? Don’t be silly.

They make you take your coat off so you slowly freeze

Apparently wearing a coat, jacket or hoodie is a clear sign you are about to cheat in your exam. Invigilators couldn’t care less if it was raining, or if there’s an impending snow storm, they’d rather you shiver and go numb so you can’t write your answers than face the possibility you might be hiding notes in your sleeve. It’d be pretty difficult to hide notes up your sleeves, would it not? You’d have to get them out somehow and then they’d be visible.

You better know which seat you’re in or they will kick off

They take forever to collect the papers at the end of the exam

You will never meet anyone who will take the longest to do the most simplest of tasks than an invigilator. They somehow find the least efficient method to collect your exam paper. There is surely a better way to collect 200 exam papers than two people walking round aimlessly collecting them, zig-zagging their way through. Please figure out a better system for your own benefit, not just ours.

They tell you completely different things constantly

One of them will tell you to fill out the front cover, two minutes later someone else is shouting at you because you started writing. One of them will tell you to pick your stuff up off the floor, two minutes later someone else is shouting at you because “not all the papers are collected yet, you’ll get done for cheating”. Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s like some sick twisted game they play, how many students can we confuse and shout at before one of them cries? We’re all stressed enough, either tell us the right thing or leave us the hell alone.

They are way too extra about seat numbers

One guy will be standing at the door shouting at you about seat numbers, another guy will be walking up and down the hall shouting the same thing, and across the floor you have a beady eyed woman glaring at anyone who goes near her, whether you forgot your seat number or not. And god help you if you have. They act like the only thing you’re going to get tested on is your ability to remember three digits that they have on a sheet right in front of them. It’s right there. Just tell us the damn number and let us go on our way. WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.

When you put your hand up for more paper and they take a good ten minutes to walk over to you

Only to then walk away again to retrieve the paper from where they were before. Just bring it with you. Does it really weigh that much? Are you really so weak that you can’t carry a few sheets of paper around with you as you walk all of six feet? Or do you just enjoy watching us stress over getting to the last few lines of our booklet, with no hope of remembering what we wanted to say while you toddle on over, taking your bloody sweet time.