‘You can get drunk off a fiver’ and other lies you tell your mates from back home about Leeds

You know the drill. You go home for Christmas break, fresh off a mad term getting drunk every night and gaining 20 pounds. Everyone’s back home, so you all meet up for a mad sesh night back in your home town, necking jagerbombs and chanting “lads lads lads” as you drunkenly jump in the taxi.

At some point during pres, your mate who spent the whole summer telling everyone how stupid it was to pay 27 grand for an education, when “education should be free for all, not a commodity only the rich can afford” and how he’s going to stay at home and get a job, like the fucking bore he is, suddenly jumps on you, demanding juicy goss about your last four months in Leeds. Because, let’s face it, staying at home is dead boring when everyone’s left, and only marginally less boring when you’re back for the holidays at the same time as everyone else.

So what do you tell him? Do you admit that you’ve actually spent the last six weeks (at least) knee deep in textbooks, essays, and revision because even though first year doesn’t count, you’re worried some future employer might get hold of your transcript and fire you? Lol, no, of course not. You do what every normal student does, and you lie. Through your teeth. And we know exactly what lies you tell. Here are the best ones.

‘I go out practically every night of the week’

Maybe in freshers, sure. Who didn’t? But a few weeks in you’ve learnt exactly which clubs are good (Fruity, for sure) and which are not (*cough* Space *cough*), and you no longer bother going to all the club nights just to say you did. You pick your faves, and spend the rest of your week in a near comatose state watching The Office on Netflix and eating pizza.

‘The drug scene is totally wild’

You smoked weed at a house party in your first year, and get hold of some laughing gas every so often – although not any more, cos it’s illegal now and you don’t want to get in any trouble. You got offered coke on the street one time though, and someone you know does MDMA every time they go out, so you’re practically telling the truth. Right?

‘Otley run? Completed it mate’

No one completes an Otley run. A lot of people say they do, but they’re also lying. Or they’re not doing it properly. E.g. if you’re drinking halfs in each pub, you’re cheating and you did not complete the Otley run.

On the other hand, if you have completed one, then you are a god among men. Well done.

‘I don’t know what’s on the charts, I only listen to house and techno now’

Which basically means you have a very specific  playlist that you get out every time there’s a party with people you don’t know, or with your old mates from home. So you can show off, basically. Can guarantee you put on a  bit of Justin Bieber and Drake while you’re getting ready though.

‘I literally never shop at high street stores any more’

No, of course you don’t. All your stuff is either handed down from your mum, acquired during a gap yah in Thailand, or off the racks in the local Oxfam charity shop. Doesn’t matter that Katie from two doors down has the exact same top that looks suspiciously like the one in the Urban Outfitters window, or that Becky in your seminar just happened to turn up in the same one-of-a-kind, unique hareem trousers you got made for specifically you by some woman on a market stall. Who cares though, as long as none of the mates you’re lying to ever visit, they’ll never meet Katie. Or Becky.

‘I’ve totally picked up all the local slang’

Leeds doesn’t even have any “local” slang. Get over yourself.

‘You can get drunk off a fiver’

Maybe. Depends what you mean by drunk. A fiver will get you two doubles in Fruity sure, but at least half of that will get spilt down your clothes are you attempt to make your way back to the dancefloor, effectively leaving you with one double, that you paid £5 for. Pretty expensive round. And yet still cheaper than your mate down in Cambridge paying twenty quid just to get into a bar.

‘It doesn’t even get that cold’

I mean, it’s not that cold if you count 3 degrees as practically tropic weather, because that’s pretty much the peak temperature we get during the winter. And because this is Leeds, and we have weird fucked up weather, winter doesn’t last the standard three months that the rest of the country gets. No. It spans all the way from October until the first week of May, when exams start and the temperature soars to the mid 20s just to really piss you off. But at least that’s Instagram-able weather to make all your mates back home jealous, I guess.