An expert tells us how 50 Shades gets BDSM completely wrong

The internet is once again obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey, thanks to the new film, 50 Shades Darker. And while critics may have completely written off the new film as wanting to “be kinky but only serving as its own form of punishment” (savage), that hasn’t stopped people flocking to the cinemas to see it in drones. And so the age old question has been dredged up once again: just how realistic is BDSM in the 50 shades franchise? Well, according to sex therapist and BDSM expert Dulcinea Pitagora, the content of E. L. James’ books are not about BDSM at all, “they are about an abusive relationship”.

The biggest problem with the 50 Shades films is that it casually associates hot sex with violence, but without addressing the fact that, yes, there are healthy ways to consensually combine sex and pain,  but all of them require communication and emotional maturity in order to make the sex safe, and enjoyable for all parties. There are times when Ana says yes to things she’s uncomfortable with because she’s too shy to speak her mind, or because she’s afraid of losing Christian. She may technically give consent, but that doesn’t stop her from getting hurt.

However, Pitagora does point out that the books have opened up a “larger discussion around BDSM practices and erotic orientation, arguably the one positive outcome of James’ books and the related movie series. The questions and conversations that have come up around BDSM as a result are much needed and long overdue”.

And she’s not wrong about the wider impact the franchise has had on people and relationships in the modern day. Sales in adult stores soared by over 30 per cent after the release of the first film, and it has only increased since then. It’s not hard to see why: the safe words alone make it ridiculously exciting, not to mention the sex toys, and it can give you and your partner as sense of closeness and trust that you might not otherwise experience. So, I spoke to Dulcinea Pitagora a bit more, to find out BDSM is really like out there in the real world, away from the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.

What is BDSM really like, outside of films?

Just like “vanilla” (i.e. mainstream or conventional sex), it depends on the people involved. In this way, BDSM is a lot like any other kind of sexual interaction, it’s a specific experience co-created by the people involved. Sometimes people incorporate BDSM into every aspect of their relationship and sex lives, but more often than not, people tend to engage in a BDSM and more typical sex with varying frequency, sometimes more BDSM, sometimes less.  What tends to be different about it is more conversation and negotiation before interactions, a safe word/phrase/signal is agreed upon, and enthusiastic consent is usually explicitly communicated beforehand as well. People in non-BDSM-oriented relationships could benefit from incorporating these practices into their relationships as well.  

How much does feeling comfortable play a role in the enjoyment of BDSM?

The most important thing is to feel comfortable with the person you’re “playing” with, i.e., engaging in BDSM with, to have a foundation of trust and common interests.  For many people, discomfort is closely connected to excitement, and it may not be possible to be completely comfortable before trying BDSM for the first time. This is why having a safe word and/or strong communication between partners is important—if it crosses a line, everyone involved needs to know that it’s okay and important to stop and reassess, regardless of what’s going on, and whether a safe word was used or not.  To feel more comfortable, communicate more ahead of time, as well as during a scene if needed, and after a scene. After care is an important way to process what just happened, what worked, what didn’t work, what to try next time, and to bring both parties back to a physical and emotional baseline.  

BDSM isn’t just about pain, so what else is involved?

It is important to note that there are a lot of different activities that fall under the umbrella of BDSM interaction, including, but not limited to, the administration and receiving of pain, physical restriction, and psychological humiliation. BDSM interactions are identified by interrelated social features which include dominance and submission, roleplaying, sexual content, and consensuality (the agreement to engage in a BDSM interaction and to honour the participants’ respective limits in said interaction). There is also specific BDSM activities such as hypermasculinity, which includes activities involving male genitals and variations of sodomy; administration of pain and humiliation, which manifests itself in many different ways both physically and verbally. As such, BDSM activities can be regarded as interrelated behaviours that are emphasised or downplayed according to different contexts, rather than a focus on discrete acts.