This is what it’s like to live with your girlfriend at uni

It’s widely regarded getting involved with a flatmate is a major rule of university which should not be broken, as what good can come of it? Well, there can be a lot of good, but there are some simple do’s and don’ts which help things keep going smoothly.

Accept the fact everything moves very quickly

Unlike other relationships where you are free to set the pace, in a relationship with your flatmate you have much less control. She’s there when you wake up, she’s there when you eat, she’s there when you come home and guess what? She’s there when you go to bed. You’ll spend a very large amount of time together at the start and besides the obvious benefits of having her present every second of every day (sex, a lot of it), if you try and maintain this level of time after the new, exciting honeymoon period, the relationship will start to feel like a chore. You don’t want that.

Accept she will use you as her girl best friend

You’re going out at 11. Pre-drinks are at nine. It’s currently around six. The very notion of even considering to get ready won’t occur for another two hours and you’re very content playing as your naff hometown team in the champions league on FIFA. Enter your girlfriend, who explains she is having difficulty choosing an outfit for the evening. You pause the game and agree to offer your opinion. This is a trap. Firstly, your opinion is always wrong (it isn’t but it is). If you compliment her she will not accept it, and if you criticise her you’re an idiot. Yes, everything looks nice – especially that snot green crop top. Secondly, you were expecting one, maybe two outfit changes not you own personal London Fashion Week in a cramped box room. Two hours of lying later and you’re late to getting ready and as a result late to pre-drinks, which means you’re too sober in the club and it’s shit. But worst of all, your console turned itself off and you lost your game. Fuck my life.

Accept her interests are now yours

If you want to be happy, you will have to learn to embrace (and not take the piss of) the things she cares about and enjoys. From the utterly satanic way in which she makes her cup of tea (milk first, Christ) to keeping your eyes open and mouth shut when the new weekly episode of Pretty Little Liars has barged its way onto the TV, the TV that you own, on a Wednesday. Yes I do know what day it airs on. You even have to submit yourself to activities she simply likes the idea of. You what? Ice skating? I’d fucking love to.

 At least try and feign interest when she talks about gossip from her home friends

Impossible task and she will eventually come to know it. Tediously long conversations about Dave cheating on Jess, Jess dumping Dave, Dave getting in a relationship with Lizzy but not loving her the same, Dave realising he’s fucked it and apologising to Jess, Jess insisting she still loves Dave and they wander into the sunset and live happily ever after. They definitely will not be together for more than a month, but more importantly, I DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK THESE PEOPLE ARE.

Don’t volunteer to give her a lift anywhere

You drive her somewhere to be nice. Mistake. You now find yourself outside some outrageously hard to find nightclub at 5am, hating yourself for revealing the fact you have a car and wondering how your life became so terrible. Oh you’ve spilled your horse meat kebab have you? Stop trying to take photos with me I’m driving. No, you can’t have a go at steering. You now start to feel bad for even the biggest prick of a taxi driver you’ve ever had. I’m selling my car.

Don’t start doing a joint shop

You’ve got another person to help carry the bags and it’s an excellent way to save money so it’s a good idea right? Wrong. That couldn’t be further from the truth. The amount of hassle and pointlessly large arguments it creates are simply not worth it. When she starts a fight with you because you’ve used more than your fair share of jointly bought cling film, you know it’s time to pack it in. Also, when your other flatmates get the faintest whiff of your poor attempt to play house you will be completely rinsed to high heaven. When’s the wedding day? How’s the mortgage going? Fuck off you bunch of pricks.

Don’t ignore your other flatmates

Yes they do still exist (in some cases unfortunately). These friendships are built on the basis that you all loved getting completely battered with them in freshers’. The strongest (yet also the weakest) of bonds because who doesn’t like getting shitfaced? So what you have nothing in common, they steal everything you own and they enjoy nothing more than taking the piss? They’re a bunch of idiots, but they’re your idiots and you remember they can occasionally be alright. Very occasionally that is.

Don’t write a Tab article about your relationship

Speaks for itself really doesn’t it. I may be in a spot of bother.